Donmek

Bu duygu fazlaligi cok yoruyor beni. Tekrar asik olmus gibi. Belki daha da fazlasi. Olmak istedigim seyi tekrar hatirlamak gibi. Hatirlamak gibi evimin oldugunu.

SIkIntI

Yuregimin ustunde bir sIkIntI var bu bir kac gundur. Bilemedim sebebini. Gorusmem olmasi mi acaba? Kendimi begenemem, Karl'a hazir hissetmemem mi? Com para harcadim son zamanlarda diye mi? Gidecegim, onun bir suru isi var diye mi? Bebek meselesi mi?

Bilemedim.

Oysa bir haftaya kadar Karl gelecek diye nasil da mutluydum. Simdi pek oyle hissetmiyorum.

Ezginin Gunlugu - Ellerimiz

Derya içinde gül biter mi, yanar tutuşur mavi
Beyhude esme deli rüzgâr, çözdüm ben yelkenimi
Aşk unutmaz dönmeyeni
Eyvah, yakıp yıkıp gideni
Yar tennenni yar tennenni, dönmeyeni

Gel gör, içimde gül kuruttum, solup gidecek rengi
Bir düş yeterdi nice gördüm, yaktım ben cennetimi
Aşk unutmaz dönmeyeni
Eyvah, yakıp yıkıp gideni
Yar tennenni yar tennenni, dönmeyeni

Kaç bahar geçti, kaç gönül yıktık biz
Hangi ırmakta yıkansın ellerimiz
Yar tennenni yar tennenni, ellerimiz.

[ kaynak: http://sarki.alternatifim.com/goster.asp?ac=20413 ]

Clinging to dreams

We all live clinging to dreams.

I had once asked my boss about the Pakistani workers in Dubai. They were working for what... 200$ a month? How could they do it? How come all of them did not throw themselves in front of a car and get the blood money so at least their family could live in a comfort which they would never be able to provide themselves? And my boss had told me that there is always the chance of winning the lottery the next day.

I thought that was ridiculous then. But now I realize. I am no different from them. We are all like that. We all cling to dreams and live for those dreams. That is why by the way, the idea of a heaven is very hard for humans. Especially when most of the time, we just want the things we can not get.

For the last couple of years, my dream has been having the perfect man. That's what has been important. The sole dream. Attributing him all the good qualities and watching him get better and better every day. He has been my growing, developing dream.

But I see that this is wrong. It is also wrong to see a child as a dream. I should choose something else. ASAP.

test 1 2 from phone

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from phone

The poor voodoo doll.I relate to it.

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A notion of country

We, the people of Turkey, like everyone else, are proud people. We have a lot to be proud of. We are the children of Ottoman empire. We have cultivated a culture that produced Rumi. We have ruled peoples from many many different races and religions for hundreds of years. We have not just conquered these people and held them down at the edge of the knife, but we have educated them, learned from them, gave them positions of power. We have not tried assimilating whole countries and people and then killed them when they did not. (Well at least until the very end, when "civil terror" arose) And as the remnants of the empire, we fought against the biggest powers of the day and gained our independence, against most forces of world politics. Not only that, we arose as a country of our own. Not identifying ourselves as Muslim and then leaning to that side. Not allying with Germany or the others in World War II. Not getting under the influence of USSR although we were at their back door. We arose as a modern country, and built our own wealth from nothing.

We are proud of our heritage. Our whole heritage. Not just as the Turks coming from central asia but all our brothers and sisters who have been in Anatolia long before us.

I am baffled usually when people claim when we say we are proud Turks, we are being racist. Do they think when I say I am Turkish I only mean those nomads that came from dry Central Asia on their horses and knew only about weapon and horse? Do they think that my identity is so shallow? Am I so stupid that I skip the fact that a big part of the habits that I see as my culture today are coming all the way from the Roman empire? That those amazing poems written by poets of my country were largely influenced by both Islam and a long history of tolerance and mysticism that has been a trademark of Anatolia? Do I realize that the wealth of my country was fed my the Jewish tradesmen of my country to a considerable extent? That my country's wars were fought as much by the Kurdish people as Turkic?

Why do people think I am such an idiot? I do not accept this.

And the symbol of Ataturk, in case anyone misses it, for us, the newer generations mean exactly this:

• Freedom to believe in whatever you want
• Freedom to discuss any subject including the man himself
• That everyone who lives in the country regardless of race, family, religion, ethnicity, language are EQUAL
• That the state should never favor one set of people over another and provide equal facilities to everyone

We believe these. We are not naive supporters of a man who died 70 years ago, who was alcoholic, and who largely made himself out of old French revolution ideas. We are not blindly clinging to some stoned idea of who a Turk is who he is not. Because when we learned about what Ataturk did, we did not learn about the amazing Turks. There may have been idiot teachers and educators, but that has never came out as what the man himself said. At least to me and to the people I know. We have admired him as a man who has believed in the people of Anatolia and wanted them to be free. And not free with an identity simply of a religious group, nor actually as a race. Free as a people of their own, living and sharing the same space.

This is what we believe in when we talk about Ataturk. For us it is that one person came forward, and did a lot of work. Because yes most of our people were not educated, most of our people did not have anything to eat after the war. Yes he became the symbol of a modern, free Turkey on the Anatolian land.

Wonderwoman

Ok, I have done 13 hours today and counting. If you ask me what I have done substantial... Nothing.

Stockholm

I looked at many photos of Stockholm today, trying to choose a desktop background.
And naturally there are many snowy pictures of Stockholm out there. And I remembered that there were great times. I actually felt like being there.
I hate snow normally, or rather cold, or rather the inconvenience.
But there are just moments, after the snow has fallen heavily and covered the whole place. A silence descends. The white being so easy on the eyes, it is one of the most peaceful things in life to walk in such moments.
Especially in Stockholm. There is probably no other city as beautiful. My memories of Stockholm under the snow is surprisingly scarce. One doesn't want to go out then. And it is usually dark when one has free time. And I focus my attention usually on not sliding. But I know.
Snow adds a further serenity to Stockholm. Like a wedding gown. And you know then where all the tales you read as a child should have taken place.
My fondest memory of winter in Stockholm should be the day I walked on water. Just by Kungsholmen, where my home was. I was pretty sure I could walk to the other side to Langsholmen or Sodermalm.
It is fantastic how the brain can suppress memories until it will suddenly pop them back. And how much a person can live and see.
Would be nice now.. To sit in a cafe in Gamla Stan. Having a latte. Looking at all the good-looking people and tourists.

small things

I do not want to write to you. I am afraid you will get tired of hearing it. But I miss you miss you miss you.

I try. I try to ignore it. I try not to act immature and do something silly. But we are all human. And there are 24 hours in a day and then there are weekends. There is an empty bed I go to every night. There are walks to work, consumed by physical pain that you are missing. You are missing both inside me and outside me. And everything is purposeless, and I am getting empty. Day by day I get more lost.

The world has been on my firgertips. I found the love of my life. The single person that I love to pieces who also accepts me with my untidiness, my postponing tasks, my softness. Yes I have it all. And yet it just feels empty. I try to keep a face. People will see me smile, make promises, set long hours to work, be friendly. Try I do. But that does not change the fact. The fact sits inside me. And eats me up.

I am almost 32. I still do not know what to do. How to feel. On one side there is a clear message: here is the agenda. work, career, money. On the other side there is the youthful message. Be what you are, do what you want while you can.

In the end, I take a look at my ring and I take a look at the mirror. And I try to hold on. But for what?

to myself

and if I could love you more, I would love you more
but if I could change you, I would definitely change you
to love yourself more.

Ezginin Gunlugu

Ayrılık Şarkısı

Bu gün küskün bir gün var masamda
Bütün ayrılıklardan arda kalmış
Ayrılık usulca büyür içimde
Sonra usulca uzaklaşır
Aramızda ne yer var ne de zaman
Ne başka bir yüz ne başka insan

Ayrılık saksıdaki çiçeklerimiz gibi büyür
Sessiz ve nedensizce durmadan

Her zaman oldugu gibi

Ilk yurtdisi vizem 12 yasinda babamin adima Ingiltereden aldigidir. Sonrasinda 22 yasima kadar bekleyecek ve de kendimi Yunanistan buyukelciliginin kapisina atacaktim. Vize gorusmesindeki bir teyzeydi. Interrail biletlerimiz 300dolara alinmis, kalbimiz gup gup bekliyorduk. Bir para sorunu ciktiydi, ve ya onun gibi bir sey. Kosturduydum Cankaya'da. Sonra vermislerdi vizeyi. Biletlerin tarihlerinden belki 1-2 gun fazla zamanimiz vardi Avrupa'da.

Sonrasinda kac kere vize almaya gittim bilmiyorum. Isvec'te bir kac kez Ingiltere buyukelciliginde cabalarim oldu, sonrasinda da Abu Dhabi'de. 3-4 kez almisimdir o vizeyi. Tabi her sene yeniletilen bir Isvec vizesi durumu var. Sonuncusunda ogrenci olarak uzatmak mantikli olmamisti da, Karl sayesinde yillik alabilmistim. Her sene immigrationsverket'in Solna ofisini bir tavaf eder, etrafimdakilerin yuzde kacinin turk oldugunu tahmine calisirdim.

Isvec vizesi sayesinde Schengen'e sayisiz basvuru yapmadan epey bir dolastim. Gozunu seveyim o vizenin. Ama o zamanlar daha Baltiklar Schengen'e girmediklerinden, gidip Estonya'dan vize almistim. 2 hafta da surduydu hani. Masallah.

Katar ve Dubai vizelerim faksla geldi.

Sansli oldugum da oldu. Uganda, Misir, Urdun, Japonya, Singapur, ve de Kambocya beni kapida kabul ettiler.

Son cabalarim da Amerika ve Kanada oldu.

Ama her seferinde ayni anlari yasamaktan yoruldum biraz. Kostur kostur evrak hazirla. Bir suru para ver. Parmak izlerini her bir yerde birak. Iceri girerken aran. Bos gozlerle sira bekle. Ucaga yetisemeyecegim diye icin icini yesin. Islerden izin almaya calis.

Amacimiz da ne? Gidip memleketlerinde para harcamak. Ne olacak onlar icin bizim memlekete gelip icip sicmak sorgusuz sualsiz aksine "buyrunuz buyrunuz bizi olabildigince somurunuz"lu. Getiriyoruz, gezdiriyoruz, yatiriyoruz, yediriyoruz. Anlatamiyoruz ki biz de insaniz. Cogu zaman onlardan daha yardimsever, daha insan insaniz.

Peki bunlarin hepsi neden? Bizden once gelen esekler yuzunden elbet bir kismi. O manyak papayi vurmasaydi... Ama kendini kandirmak imkanli degil sebep bir tek bu olamaz. Hos olmayan sozcukler kullanmaya baslamadan yatmali. Tum bunlara sebep olan da VPN'le tam baglanamamam.

midnight in paris

after a long time, I find a new movie that I feel like writing about.

Midnight in Paris was not a brilliant movie, but it was a magical movie. Half of it perhaps was paris. A lot of cities in the world have parks, cafes, museums and a river but none of them are Paris. The movie was beautiful with all those great sights. But then the rest of the charm came from "wanting to be at another time, a time long past, a past that was not ours, but that we only heard about and therefore all the more great as it was built by the songs, books, movies and eventually, our imagination".

It touched something deep inside me, and did remind me that I am still a bit my own self. That was the arty part. I wanted to run home and watch Bunuel and Godard. I wanted to be in a museum, see a real painting again. I wanted to immediately surround myself with beautiful things.

But also of course there is no denying. It was the movie for nostalgics like me. To travel to a different time and hang out with people you admire? To hear the real sounds, to smell the real smells, to live the real life. In an older time, when life was much more real.

On a totally irrelevant story, I heard the word "fete", whatever it means in french, and remembered a band that I thought was fantastic. So international and fun and great great music.
There they are.. Brazilian Girls:

Sire Nes De La Fete

Hayal bu ya

Isikli, bol isikli bir gun. Yuruyoruz bir sehrin caddelerinde. Paris, Italya'da bir yer, Istanbul, hepsi olur. Biraz tarihi bir mekan ama. Hafifce omzuna yaslanmisim. Ciceklere, havuzlara, insanlara bakiyoruz. Gorerek, tazeligini koklayarak havanin. Her sey canli, ilk kez gormusum gibi yepyeni. Cunku sen yanimdasin. Saat oyle 12:50 am degil. Karanlik hayal bile edilemiyecek bir olgu. Yanyanayiz.

Ev Odevi

Bu ev odevi durumlarindan biktim arkadas. Simdi de futbol takimi tutar gibi yazi yaziyorum. Ne takimin durumundan haberim var, ne rakiplerin gucunden. Maksat is yapmak olsun. Top atarsin kopek pesinden kosar yakalar getirir sen bir daha atarsin. Iste oyle bir sey.

Amazon web player sign in istedi, yani o kadardir su sandalyede oturuyorum. Uykum var, isim var. Ama takildim mi takilirim. Boyleyim ben.

Yararli Bilgiler

Turk Saraplari

masada iki bardak

yillardir konusmuyorduk. iyi geldi bize konusmamak belki de. herkes kendi islerini halletmeye zaman buldu. simdi buraya kaldigimiz yerden devam ediyoruz desem komik olur. cok cok komik olur. ama var bir seyler. karsilikli bir el uzatma var. dokunulamayacagini bildigimizden belki de rahatca bir el uzatma bu, ama tamamen degersiz ve anlamsiz oldugunu soylemek de abarti olur.

boyle iyimserce dusunuyorum. daha once de yazmistim. birlikte buyuduk biz. gururumdan hicbir zaman ona itiraf etmedigim bir sey varsa zamaninda iddia ettigi gibi, bu, onun istedigi sey degil, birlikte buyudugumuz, tanistigimizda onun kadar kucuk oldugumdur.

onun hakkinda yazabilecegim en anlamli seyleri daha onceden yazmistim zaten. oysa bizim hakkimizda yazmadim. yazamazdim da. cunku bazi seyler var, cikmamali agizdan. neden cikmamali? nedeni bile aciklanamaz. soze dokulemez cunku bazi seyler. tipki, gozlenen elektronun, farkli hareket etmesi gibi, kimi soze dokulen olgular degisir, baskalasir. Bundan dolayi ona yazamiyor, iste burada bir seyler karalayarak icimde kabaran dalgalari sondurmeye calisiyorum.

evet, yine yogunluk icimdeyim. ucurumun kenarinda duruyor, karsiya atlayabilecegimi samimiyetle dusunup, denemeye bile hazirlaniyorum. ama artik 30umu gectim, bunlarin gercek hayatla ilgisi olmadiginin farkindayim. gercek hayat odenmeyen faturalar, gecerli oldugundan emin olunmayan vizeler, calismayan bilgisayar programlari, ve de calisirken icilen kahveler demek.

yine de.. yine de bir an icin de olsa kamastiriyor gozlerimi ucurum. ve de izin veriyorum hayallerime beni alip gotursunler. sunun surasinda ne kadar zamanimiz kaldi birlikte.

mum isigi. karanlik arkaplan. bir masada oturuyoruz. masada bir sise. masada 2 bardak. o ve ben. konusuruyoruz. iciyoruz. biliyorum ikisi de cok dogal geliyor bize. konusacak ne cok ne cok sey var. hic bitmese bu gece *hayallerde bile bitiyor bu masum geceler evet*
[ guluyor, kahkahasini duyuyorum, gozlerini kapiyor gulerken. ne diyor? boyle zamanlarda, onu guldudugumde ne derdi? hatirlayamiyorum. -olur oyle. - ]
evet konu filmlerden aciliyor. sarkilardan. gecen onca yilda olanlardan degil, olmayanlardan bahsediliyor. gorusmememizden misal. onun bir turlu dogru iliskiyi bulamamasindan; benim dogru isi. belki baskalarinin dedikodusu yapiliyor. ayni insanlarin sahit oldugumuz farkli yanlari ilgimizi cekiyor. o insanlar degil, bizim onlari gorus farkliligimiz.
kibarca hicbir seyin gercegi soylenmiyor. dibine inilmiyor. muzik de yok.
bizi gecmise goturecek en ufak bir ayrinti yok... bizden baska.
Hayal buraya kadar cok masum, cok guzel. Melek gormus gibi bakiyorum bu hayale, gozumu almak, ayirmak icin bir sebep goremiyorum.

Iste bunu soylemek istiyorum ona. Icimden gecen bu. Daha fazlasi bile degil. Buraya da yaziyorum, buyuk bir sir olmadigi ortada. Ama.. ama ona yazamam, soyleyemem. Tupun iki yanindan cikan elektron davranisini degistirir sonra. Doganin kurallarina mudahale etmeye calismak kim ben kim.

Sonra soz bitiyor. Aslinda biten soz degil, icki belki, belki de dedikodular, arada gecen yillar bitiyor. (Aslinda hicbiri. Biten bizim kopuk gibi ucucu ortaya konulan karakterlerimiz.) Sonra... Baska bir sey deniyor mu? Sozcuk alisverisi oluyor mu? Sanmiyorum. Mesela:
*kisik anlamli, alayli gozlerle "cheers darlin' "
* -dusundun mu beni hic icinde (sIkIca tutulurken bel)
*-kac yil senin yuzunden ince dudakli kadinlara meyil ettim, neler kacirdim
...
deniliyor mu?

Sanmiyorum. Yanak oksamayla basliyor ama her sey. Gozgoze bakarken yanak oksayarak. Kimse birbirinden alamiyor gozlerini, cunku aksi sucu itiraf etmek, durumun yanlisligini ortaya kalmak, kisacasi oyunbozanlik olur.

Gerisi geliyor. Hic de masum degil.

Iste boyle olacaklar. Hayaller bu sekilde diye hayal deyip gecmeyelim. Ben bu adami 2.5 yil bebegim gibi salladim kollarimda. O beni baska kimsenin yapmayacagi gibi sevkatle, merhametle oksadi. Bir kac sey biliyorum hakkinda. Hakkimizda. O elektronu gozlemekle olacak budur.

Yanlis anlasilmasin. Iki beden arasindaki alisverisin basit sonuclardan kaciyor, korkuyor degilim. Biz hep bedenlerimizi ayirdik kendimizden, o kadar olgunduk cocukken bile. Sorun bu degil. Sorun, bu hayal bizi -sonundaki olaylar dolayisiyla- gerceklik dedigimiz o duzenli, sirali olaylar dizisinden ayiracak, o dizide baglanamaz bir kopukluk yaratacak.

Bundan dolayi yazamam ona, bunca iyimser mutlu karsilasmaya, konusmaya, onun arada onlarca baska kadina asik olmus olmasina ragmen.

Bir de tabi -utanarak da soyluyorum- bana soylemeyecegi var.

biraz ilerleme mi vardir nedir....

Ask hic biter mi?

Aşk hiç biter mi

Kalır adımızla
Bir sokak duvarında
Bir ağaç kabuğunda
Bir takvim kenarında
Kalır bir çiçekte
Bir defter arasında
Bir tırnak yarasında
Bir dolmuş sırasında
Kalır bir odada
Bir yastık oyasında
Bir mum ışığında
Bir yer yatağında
Aşk hiç biter mi

Hair Mask

Personal creation:
1 egg yolk
1 tablespoon olive oil
Put on the roots of the hair, try to disperse as much as possible
Wait a couple of hours
Wash

Brings some life to dry hair, makes it shiny and lively

Evet

1) Evin cogu toplandi
2) Meyva-sebze alindi
3) Snus ismarlandi
4) Utu yapildi
5) Carsaflar yikandi
6) Cicek alindi
7) Sinema bileti alindi
8) Araba sanirim kiralandi


Daha yapilacaklar:
1) Cizmeler geri gonderilecek (ne zaman?)
2) VS geri gonderilecek, ona zarf almak lazim (ne zaman nerden)
3) Koridordaki ekstra kutular atilacak
4) Kuafor
5) Manikur - pedikur
6) Restoran rezervasyonu aranip kontrol edilecek
7) Fotograf makinesi daha alinmadi

Oy oy oy

Slims which are not slim and other nicotine stories

Now I realized that lately all I have done here is complain. This post however will be to inform and educate my readers on... acquiring nicotine in US.

I am just back from Walgreens buying 2 packs of Virginia Slims, Menthol. I went there a couple of times in the last few weeks and am almost positive that their Davidoff slim supplies are gone. In any case, it is a bother to try to communicate with the nice ladies at the counter to get them. (Maybe I am pronouncing Davidoff in a German fashion) Therefore, I decided this time to try out something more traditional (a.k.a. American).

My favorite lady, who actually remembered my Davidoff preference (do not ask me how) was not there. So I went for the Virginia Slims just because they were higher on the shelf and with glasses on that was the only brand I could really make out except the usual Malboro and Camel. I payed a good 16$ for 2 packs. I came home and.. they are NOT slim. My loving greetings to PM.

I do get irritated paying 16$ for 2 packs. This makes roughly 8x3.5=28AED and 56SEK. I think even in Europe cigarettes cost 45SEK. Besides in UAE, they were max 10AED. Ahh the good old days.

Why am I suddenly talking about cigarettes? What happened to the happy occasion of snus? Well, I have had problems acquiring that in USA. I use General Mini Portions Mint. Snus options are of utmost sensitivity. You can not just go with some other brand or size or taste. It ruins everything. And snus being particularly Swedish, the options over the counter stay quite minimal. Though I have to say I feel grateful I found General -imported from Sweden- in big portions and wintergreen-, after a few months at a store directly diagonal from my place.

To import snus online for those who require particular preference, there are 2 options. Rather 2 sites. One is the swedish site and one is the american site. Both are called swedishsnus.com but one has a "-" somewhere there. It is not so straightforward though. The building I live in also contains a hotel. Because of this (I guess) i can not be verified to be an adult and could not order from the American site. Same goes for the Swedish. I did make one order from the Swedish site to a friend's place when I was in need 2 months ago. But I was aware that I could not use this route all the time. I did get myself verified manually by opening a ticket to the American site's customer service.

The American site did verify me by taking a copy of my passport. But they wanted 240$ for 30 packs. While I had payed, when I ordered the stuff to my friend's place, something like 100$ for 20 packs including the shipping from Sweden. The difference is due to a 90$ tobacco tax on the first order. How come the second order does not include this I have no way of knowing.

Alas, I have 39 more non-slims to go through and am thinking that maybe I should exchange the other package for some real slims. Otherwise, just happy to inform my readers how thinks work and how much they cost.

her gece hayatimi kokunden degistirmek icin planlar yapiyorum. bir de uygulasam cok iyi olacak!

surekli kendimi ya odullendiriyorum, ya cezalandiriyorum. boyle bir donguye girdim. zevk icin yiyorum (aslinda cok zevk alarak degil, oyle olsa kilo almam mesela) sonra buna kizip bir sekilde kendimi cezamandiriyorum. mesela koltuga iliserek oturuyorum. suclu suclu, rahat etmeden. kanepede uyuyorum. cok calisiyorum, sonra gelip surekli bir seyler izliyorum. aslinda evde acilen yapilmasi gerekenler var. dengem yok.

hayatim hakkinda cok salagim aslinda onun farkindayim. mesela en gerekli sey gunes gormemken, hem cok gec yatiyorum, hem de sabah saatlerce hazirlaniyorum disari cikmadan. oysa ne gerek var. bi gunes al, sonra vitrinini hazirla.

hayat boyle olmamali. daha gercek seylerin uzerine kurulmali hayat. buna kiziyorum aslinda. kimse hobi olsun diye sevdigi herkesi arkada birakip baska bir yere gitmiyor. ben manyak miyim? sanirim kendime surekli kiziyorum, icimden gelenin, dogru olanin dahasi, baska bir sey oldugunu bildigim halde hala burda olmama kiziyorum. onun icin cezalandiyorum kendimi. kendimi kendimden nefret ettirmek icin kilo almak gibi yollar ariyorum.

dusundum, hayatta gercekten istediklerimi yapmiyorum. bu da bu zevk-ceza olayina ekliyor. yurumek istiyorum aslinda. uzun uzun ve amacsiz. sadece dusunerek, duyarak, izleyerek yurumek. oysa haftasonlari alisverisle falan geciyor arkadaslar olunca. al, daha cok al. almanin kendisi kotu degil, tuketim vs. bunlar degil mesele. mesele benim istedigimin gercekte bu olmamasi. ve de bu konuda hicbir sey yapmamam.

yurumeyi istiyorum da... bahanem var biraz da. ya bu sehir hic mi isinmaz, hic mi kurumaz. insaf! mayis oldu artik. ise giderken ve gelirken yurunebiliyor. o da bilmiyorum bu yagmurla ne kadar mumkun olacak pazartesi. neyse, giderken stres oluyor. ne kadar erken kalkarsan kalk yeterince erken degil. donerken yarim saat yuruyorum, tamam. hepsi o.

gece yuruyemezsin, tirsarsin tek basina. yuruyen bir arkadasim da yok o anlamda. yuruncek pek yer de yok. burasi guzel sulak guya. ama limandan dolayi pek bir sayfiye yeri yok su kenarinda. her yer izbe, cunku baska yuruyen yok. ve de her taraf akil hastasi dolu. bu kadar akil hastasinin oldugu yerde, sokakta olan bir cok seye normal gozuyle bakiyorsun. basima bir sey gelse kimsenin haberi olmaz.

nerden nereye... evet bir kac planim var dogrusu. bunlardan biri tutsa, ah biri tutsa!

Baskalasmak istiyorum, bu hayat olmadi bir dahaki
Bir dahakinde daha cok kullansam insanlari diyorum
Kendi mutluluguma baksam ama baska bir acidan
Yani simdi de bakiyorum da, biraz daha acik acik baksam
Sonra baskalarinin mutluluguna baksam
Daha cok calissam ama bir ise yarasa
Ne yaptigimi bilsem hic olmazsa, neden yaptigimi
Daha yavas buyusem, lisede liseli gibi olsam,
ortaokulu sacma sapan gecirmesem
Daha cok muzik dinlesem o hayatta
Daha cok yuzsem/kossam, daha cok daha fazla oynasam
Ve daha fazla flort etsem, arkamdan konussalar
Uzulmesem cozemeyecegim seylere
Kardesimle bir evde yasasam, soyle butun bir yil
Esas derdim ne yemek yapacagim olsa yine bir yil kadar
Daha cok hayal kursam, hayallerde yasayip gercekleri unutmaya utanmasam

Diyorum
diyorum
baskalassam
Bu olmadi, bir dahakine baslasam
Ama sonra, once ve hep, sen geliyorsun aklima
Toprak Nazimin tek platonik sevdasiymis
Sen de benim platonik olmayan tek sevdamsin

26 gun 26 gun

54->52

it is just 2 kilos and I should make it until 3 June. This gives me a good 29 days.

54

Yes I have reached 54. Again the same scenarios are unfolding. And yet I do not know why. it is not directly stress. it is just feeling insecure. I feel of following the problems in my psyche. probably as the greatest husband of all time pointed out, I should get a hobby.

today today

Today felt seriously long. it may be because I do not have an immediate deadline. but I have so many deadlines next week that this should not be.
And right now my head is aching and I have only an hour left to explore a big big problem. I really should be working. I did a bunch of extracurricular activities today as well. I wrote to sis, I talked to krostif. Now Aysun is coming. Hmm.
I also looked at tickets which is not heavy work. Time passed and not so much concrete stuff happened. Head is aching.
What do I want? I want him. Actually not him but to have a life with him. Again.

yazmak

yine ve gercekten yazabilmeyi isterim. belki olur da..
ama su anda, ne yazi ne cizi ne is ne guc ne de zaman..
bir tek o var aklimda. nazim'in gunese cikmasi gibi ben de ciksam onun yanina, otursam.
yazmaya malzeme bile olmuyor bu hal, bu tasa. cunku ne sevda demek istiyorum, ne ozlem, ne de o bu. sozcukler sozcuk kaliyor icimdeki bosluga vurunca.
mutlaka olur bir baskasi, zaman meselesi. biliyorum. her seyi kaybetmek isten degil. biliyorum. yine de, onca malzemeye ragmen, yazamiyorum, diyemiyorum.
cikan anca "olmasan da olur, bak oluyor. ama ne olur ol..."

yet another monday

i really hate mondays. and how is it that although we are at the end of april, my nose gets cold in the flat when I wake up?

I did collect some material, I will start the playlists again.

sad spam

Unapproachable i stare
For you my anguished heart despairs
There's nothing but sadness in the air
I reach out for you but you're not here
Or anywhere
Just sorrow left to bear

Unavoidable you say
There's too much pain for you to stay
And nothing we had remains the same
They say that everything must change

Even so
We can always start
Over from zero
And we'll be closer than
The rhythm of our hearts

very true

Med kroppen mot jorden
och blicken i det eviga blå
är jag bortom tankarna och orden
där finns inget jag måste förstå
utom att kroppen är tung mot vår mark
att himlen är blå
och jag är lycklig och stark
med kroppen och jorden
finns det inget jag måste förstå

Jag trodde sanningen kanske fanns i en bok
jag hade fel så jag sökte runt hela jordens klot
jag irrade kring efter färdiga svar
jag gjorde allt men det här är det enda svar jag har
att med kroppen mot jorden
och blicken i det eviga blå
är jag bortom tankarna och orden
där finns inget jag måste förstå
utom att kroppen är tung mot vår mark
att himlen är blå
och jag är lycklig och stark
med kroppen mot jorden
finns det inget jag måste förstå

Jag trodde lyckan nås genom vånda och slit
jag offrade svett och tårar för att finna vägen dit
jag irrade kring efter färdiga svar
jag gjorde allt men det här är det enda svar jag har
att med kroppen mot jorden
och blicken i det eviga blå
är jag bortom tankarna och orden
där finns inget jag måste förstå
utom att kroppen är tung mot vår mark
att himlen är blå
och jag är lycklig och stark
med kroppen mot jorden
finns det inget jag måste förstå
nej, där finns inget jag måste förstå
där finns inget jag måste förstå

In the silence of my mind
I can see our love was just a line
To a grasp of air
That's nowhere

And while i wait for love's embrace
My life is but a race
Since you're gone now
All my light is left to waste

I never learned the rule
That love can be so cruel
When it's over and done
Now i can't believe
That what they say is true
How love can be renewed
Because once it's abused
Then it's through

There's no laughter in your smile
And all that's left are shadows in my mind
Of a different place
And your face

And in the quiet of my heart
The sadness lingers on
Now i just have a different point of view
Since you've been gone

It shouldn't be this difficult

I mean I want to blame myself on being slow but come on. Here I am at 12:46, trying to deploy database config environment which will enable me to connect to ALL the databases I need provided I have permissions. Yes, you hear right, so if I do not have this correctly installed, I can not connect to some DBs although I have permissions. I mean what is this?

But alas, at last I got to the DB I needed. Phew! And this took like an hour in total with my first efforts. Poff!

I have to try some other things now. Like.. scheduling the goddamn stuff with Cron. Making sure my super unit test is working. All I want is some sleep and walking outside. I really miss walking outside. Wasn't that why I moved to Seattle? Hmmmmm...

Yes

With the way of thinking mentioned in the previous post, songs have less effect. It is working!

I wonder will life become less joyous?

Be a man!

That is what I say to myself. Because after watching Nana (the anime), I realized we are girls after all. Not because we dedicate our lives to ordering clothes online, checking boots everywhere and following fashion magazines; because we assume our lives with men.

I have always been fairly independent, and quite good at entertaining myself. But the truth is I assumed the existence of a man, at least in the future. Always there was a male assumption in my heart of hearts. I am talking to my mother on it endlessly but the truth just hits me. I am no different. I always say, "I accept the risk that K can leave me anyday", yet this is not acceptance of his not being there for me that I am talking about. It is the acceptance of the challange that this will bring on. I will take the challenge and play it out for all to see that I can make it even without him and that I had always expected this.

The truth is that I would not accept it. Not deep inside. And I would always feel half or 3/4ths without him. It should not be so and there lies the real matter. It just should be that we feel whole by ourselves and miss the other person, simply because they are someone we have a good time with. Not because we feel partially lost without them.

Why have I been like this and never even realized it? When I was alone, I was forced to loneliness. It is not that I really chose it, although I always claimed otherwise. And it was clearly this that drove me to U. To have someone.

I should persuade myself that I do well enough by my self. Because I do not want to try to do this when that someone is already gone. Then I will have other worries, problems. I will have objects and places and everything else that remains.

This should be a new project for me. I may not be perfect, but I should be good enough... for myself.

Tired

Really. Somehow I keep pushing myself. I had promised to start as soon as I got home. Then it became, dinner and 3 animes. Ok so far, that made it 9:30. Then taking a shower it became somehow 11. Looking around and being bored made it 12:00. I am no good at this.

What else? The flat is full of boots and I ordered 2 more. I have to choose one. And it is so complicated. Luxury is so complicated that it pushes us to a whole vacant life.

i'll sleep

when I get fired

komigim

yani habire sacma sapan seylerle doldurmiyim burayi kalan cool'lugum da zedelenmesin diyorum. ama halim oyle komik ki kesin yazmam lazim.

facebook ve gmail acmadi. onlari bitirdim. en vahimi de cok tehlikeli saatlere yaklasiyorum. artik kahvenin de kesmedigi zamanlar bunlar ki evde kahve yok. birader madem kac gundur sabahliyorsun lan nasil kahven olmaz?

neyse, bir taraftan da habire ingiltere saatini hesapliyorum. ben salaklari isleri kolay yapmak ofis icinde halletmek varken londradaki ekibe musallat olup onlardan ricada bulundum. manyak miyim neyim ya. bu durumda bana uyku yok.

zaten ne zaman "ya birazcik uzanayim sonra devam edeyim" diye gitsem kesinlikle kalkamiyorum. dun muthistim yalniz. alarmin calmasiyla programimdaki paketlerin versiyonlari arasinda bir baglanti olduguna kesin emindim. hala da suphelerim var bu konuda, o kadar islemis icime nasil bi dusunceyse. tam yataga gitmeden once package group ekleyince boyle oluyorsun.

update

3 tane bot ismarladim. yakinda kovulup kocami gorebilcem, yuppie!

Batil Inanclar

Bu iyi yil kotu yil dongusune inancim gibi baska bir batil inancim daha var. Bu hatta digerinden daha cok denenebildiginden bayagi tirsiyorum aslinda.

Olay cok basit. Ne zaman bir konuya ciddi yatirim yapsam bir sekilde o seyi yapmiyorum ve ya yapamiyorum sonrasinda. Ornegin, tam duzenli spor yapmaya baslar mesela yeni spor malzemesi alirim, 1-2 kere kullanilir o yeni ciciler, sonra bir sekilde zaman olmaz spor yapmaya. Yoga minderi almistim en son Dubaide, dememe kalmadi gorusmeler, seyahatler basladi, bir daha da acamadim kendisini.

Ornekler cok. Tam hayatimda ilk kez ev duzdum (Isvec'te), 2 ay gecmedi Dubai'ye tasindim. Bundan ders aldim aslinda. Asla ev duzme. Hakkaten de bana gore degil henuz bu ev duzme olayi.

Ilginctir, is hayatimda cok farkli olmadi. Bilim ilim insani olur olmaz bilim dunyasindan ciktim. Tabi bu bilincli bir secimdi, yine de kosullar daha farkli olsaydi devam da edebilirdim. Sonra tam consultant tadina gelmistim, gomleklerle doldurmustum gardirobu, kendime takim bile diktirmistim (bir kere bile giyemedim!) is olmadi hadi geldim developer oldum. Bu kismi tam hey guzel yarabbim seklinde. Dusunuyorum, mezun olduktan sonra yaptigim 3. meslek bu. Hepsi bir sekilde birbiriyle ayni meslek grubu altinda olsa da hicbirinin birbiriyle ilgisi alakasi yok. Neyse, bu konudaki dusuncem biraz daha umutlu aslinda. Nasil olsa yaslaniyorum. Bundan sonra bu 3unden birini yapmaya devam ederim artik 4. bir seye gecmem (herhalde).

O degil de.. Bu batil inanc yuzunden burada kalmami bir sekilde engeller, fairplay olmaz diye ne bot alabildim, ne trenckot (turkcesi ne ya bunun?), ne de eve 2. bir lamba alabiliyorum cesaret edip. Saksida cicek bile almadim. Isvecte 5 yil oyle yasadiydim, eve baz disinda bir sey almayarak, fena mi oldu, sayesinde 5 yil kaldim orda. Dubai'de ne oldu ama? her tarafimi yazlik cici bici, ve acik ayakkabilarla doldurdum; al burdayim!

Bekliyorum bi 6 ay olsun, gidisat aciklik kazansin diye, ama salonun yarisi karanlik, o kismi anca bir kac kez gorebildim. Ise giyilebilecek bir tane botum var, o da kisa. Kisa ceketim ise yika yika temizlenmiyor. Paltom 10 yillik gibi duruyor.

Bak bak, Ozan'a da yemek ismarliyacagim ise alinirsam orda dediydim, hala almadim. Kovulursam sebebi kesin bu olacak! (3. batil inanc)

bi sey bi sey olali bir sey tuttu

diye bir laf vardi. kendisini andim.

simdi uyuyacagim. sabah icecek kahvem de yok. amma 3:30 kalkmak durumundayim.

ondan once bir liste yapayim da gozum korksun, yoksa imkanli degil kalkmam.

ehems, bu hizda bayagi bir sey olurum :)

The awesome me of the past

I have read my old blog again ( and somehow this need only arises when I am to stay up to work all night) and I have to say I am impressed. I have written darn well at times. It also helps my memory since I don't remember half of the things the next time I read them.

So my days in the States are passing. And I have not done much. Drove quite a bit, checked out shoes online, watched a lot of Netflix. That is all.

Otherwise, I am having a classical student life. Messy home, wine on the floor AND the couch. Never eats on the table (why did I buy it??) and most of all studying. reading a zirillion wiki pages a day without really understanding anything in full. But "getting an idea". Doing all nighters. All dayers I did not even do when I was a student.

Good years bad years

I always had a theory that I have good years and bad years, alternating. But not necessarily one by one.

For instance, junior high was really bad. Prep year was ok, the rest was totally awful. And then high school was, well I don't know lifewise it was fantastic, academicwise it was hell. Last year of high school was vice versa.
Then university first year was pretty good, surprisingly good.
Second was bad.
Third was really great.
Fourth I don't remember.

Then first 3 years of ph.d. were pretty bad. Then it got better and better until I finally finished.

And then Dubai was luxury. 9 to 6 was a pretty good shift. (Though I was getting paid half of this)

Now I am here. Another bad year is in store. But thankfully K is not suffering with me as he is not the suffering kind. And because I would much rather suffer alone than drag him to my fate. From what I judge, it will be 2 bad years, and maybe more. Because it will definitely take me 2 years to catch up. And it always happens like that to me. It takes a while. I always thought that was because I went to school early. That accounts for one year and the other year is due to my dumbness.

This is it! I should have gone to school late instead of early! Then I could be absolutely the greatest student. Just like the guy in our prep class in junior high. He was repeating prep year. And thanks to him we could communicate with the ultra lovely Mrs. Just.

Problem is I don't think they give you 2 years in this workplace. 1 maybe. Just maybe.

Not to close on a bad note, I have some prospects for action in Seattle.

And on the 2nd day that I am taking the night head on with programming, I understand that I can not start before 22:30. And we will see just how far I will manage to go. The last my stupid script was not running since it could not find anything.

sabahlarken

genelde sabahlarken insan der ki "herkesler uyuyor, dunyada tek kalmis gibiyim", bense "en sonunda herkesle ayni time zone'da yasiyorum"

bu gece

ya yap ya istifa et

Vazgec gonul

Etme beyhude figan vazgec gonul
Gel bu sevdadan heman vazgec gonul
Olmasin halin yaman vazgec gonul
Gel bu sevdadan heman vazgec gonul

I have always pointed out that my sins are pride and jealousy. Somehow, they go very well together in my altogether broken character. I was thinking today of Kurt Cobain. He was from Seattle, was he not? He has this great quote that I can not copy paste right now. Because of stupid explorer.
Anyway, my only hope also feels like being someone else.
Maybe I should just walk away and be someone else. Why is it the hardest of all deeds to be someone else? Of all the things I have managed to get in life: a beautiful husband, great family, money, decent jobs, success (?) which look so shiny and great from the outside, I seem to lack one thing that stops me from enjoying these.
Or rather two?
I am negative.
I can not attain balance in life.
According to me, I have just painted life in a bunch of quick, careless strokes. I get away with this simply because of luck and because of the speed of the strokes. But the brush is getting old. The canvas is a mess when looked closely, the mess is apparent.

For instance, I get addicted quickly.
I get bored very quickly and absolutely lack any consistency and devotion.
I am extremely selfish, to the point of my grandmother.
I am too inward, way too inward. I absolutely lack confidence.
I don't know what I want and even I do, I am too tired always to get it.
And I whine and whine.

Yes, the mess is apparent. And instead of fixing it, I will quickly jump on to some other new stroke. That is what I do. Pretend that I have not found what I am looking for yet. That I am the eternal searcher. But guess what girl? It is YOU. You are the faulty thing, not each and every choice you make. You should get on your knees and WORK for the amazing life opportunities that you have been so graciously granted. WORK.

With this I go back to my original plan. I should have started working at 20:30. Instead it is 22:30. And still all I managed to do is connect to VPN. What I am doing is complaining on my blog. Seriously, why am I like this?

yahya kemal

ŞARKI

Kalbim yine üzgün seni andım da derinden;
Geçtim yine dün eski hazan bahçelerinden!
Üzgün ve kırılmış gibi en ince yerinden,
Geçtim yine dün eski hazan bahçelerinden!

Senden boşalan bağrıma göz yaşları dolmuş!
Gördüm ki yazın bastığımız otlar solmuş.
Son demde bu mevsim gibi benzimde kül olmuş.
Geçtim yine dün eski hazan bahçelerinden

TERCİH

Dünyada ne ikbal ne servet dileriz
Hattâ ne de ukbâda saadet dileriz
Aşkın gül açan bülbül öten vaktinde
Yaranla tarab yâr ile vuslat dileriz.

Alintilar

Begendigim seyleri alintilamaya bayiliyorum. Kitaptaki arkaplandan cikarildiginda anlami kalan nesir deyme romanlar kadar saygi duydugum bir edebi olgu nedense. Zamaninda cok guzel duzenlenmis bir sayfa bulmustum. Kaybettim. Oyle bir arayis icindeyim hala. Belki de film izlemeye usenip dizi izlemek gibi bir seydir bu. Cunku aylardir kitap okumadim.

Bu arada su sayfayi buldum. Iste Ece Temelkuran alintisi.

Amazon Cloud Player

Very well done. I have bought NAzan Oncel'e album and really enjoying it. Too bad they have limited Turkish albums. Now I have like 20GB of space to fill, but it does not accept wma so I should work on converting my CDs to mp3 now. Long live competition(!)

Otherwise, I am tired. I have been waking up at around 7 this week I think every day. Still the bulk of the thing is not done. And I have my tickets hanging around as well. I am VERY late. Anyway, I can hang around until I get fired and be one of the first to be fired.

My new anime days

Maid is my new favorite. What a guy! They are just like me and K. :D Love it.

Here is a pic of them from Wikipedia. The references are pretty wild. And although it does go through the usual high school team, there is something genuine about it. And it is super fun.

So now I want to do Ayuzawa for the cosplay and I have to find a maid costume. If I find any time..

Missing

my father. Wish things were somehow different. He deserved so much better.

Weekends

Watch some series (Requiem for a phantom, 30 Rock bla)
Sleep
Fetch car
Drive
Go to mall, shop
Drive
Watch others drive
Go to gym
Do nails
Tidy apartment
Sleep
Go to gym
Tidy apartment
Drive
Watch others drive
Leave car
Cook
Sleep

anitra's dance

one of my all time favorite classical pieces is Anitra's dance.

Duke Ellington's version is very much recommended.

nasil hicbir zaman olmadiysa

izmir, dubai de tamamen bir hayaldir.

o kadar cok sey vardi, konusamadik, zaman olmadi. yine istedigim gibi olmadi bir cok sey, sarhos olmamiz disinda birlikte, iki cocuk olmamiz disinda korkmadan.
sormak istiyordum oysa.
Goruyor musun E.yi? Dunyada ahirette bacimdir, hayata tum korkularina ragmen cesurca kollarini sonuna kadar acandir, ilhamimdir. Arasan arada, hatirini sorsan. Bilmezsin ki oyle seyleri. Ben burdan yetisemiyorum. Desen ki hicbir sey tutmaz haftasonlarimizin yerini, Budada dokturmelerimizin tadi hala dolasir agzimda. Soylesen ne gurur duyuyorum onunla. Ne cok yol aldi, ne cok sey basardi.
Bilsen biraz daha dil de, arasan mesela S ile U'yu. Candan insanlar. Izmirli olmak oyle bir sey iste. Hakkaten Izmir'li onlar. Hic de bir seyden eksik kalmaz S mesela calismasa da. Hem de ictendir ki oyle boyle degil. Kac aydir tanisiyorduk ki.. Her gun kullaniyorum bana aldigi atkiyi.
Nasil ARY? Hala Juno takiliyor mu orda burda? Calisiyor mu giris kartlari? Su basti mi park yerine?
Soyledin, gormussun S'yi. Annemin adi, annemin azmi o kizda. Ne hizli gecmis zamanlarimiz birlikte. Cok ertelemisim, her zamanki gibi. Ne zor hayatta denge kurmak.
Sen ne yapacaksin acaba? Gidecek misin bensiz kumsala? Dusunecek misin ne cok sevdigimi yayilmayi butun hafta sonu? Alir misin acaba bi semsiye bi sandalye kendine, hazir ben gitmisken. Dusunur musun acaba uzun haftasonlarimizi.. Oglene kadar uyanmaya calisip Babylon izleyisimizi, ozendigimiz sucuklu tostlu kahvaltilarimizi, bir turlu cikmayi beceremeyisimizi evden. Sonra JBR trafigini. Sovusumuzu bir agizdan. Her seyi bir agizdan soyleyisimizi.

Hicbir sey ayni kalmaz. Iste gitti arabam. Hayatta en sevdigim objeydi. Hakkaten benim olduguna inanamadigim, bir anlamda gurur duydugum. Evet sahip olmaktan gurur duydugum ilk objeydi. Isvecteki evimden sonra. Tartisirdik kim kullanacak diye. Titrerdik uzerine, super benzinler, her hafta yikatmalar. Lastikleri ne yaptin bak onu da soramadim.
Ne iyi ve ne kotu dogunun insani ayni anda. Ne kadar ucuza tamir etmislerdi o lastigi. Ne kadar pahali araba oldugu halde. Burda olsa oyle mi olur? Sonra senin koca arabanin lastigi annemler geldiginde patladigi zaman para bile almamislardi. En fakir Bangladesliye ver bir sey vereceksen demislerdi. Diyememislerdi bile, isaret etmislerdi.

Bana ne dedin? Biraktigimiz her yeri romantiklestiriyoruz. Belki de.. Ama arabamla giderken Seyh Zayedde sanki tum Dubai benimdi. Anliyordum orayi ben. Orasi beni anlamasa da arkadaslarim anliyordu. Ne olurdu su is olsaydi o zaman. Ne olurdu. Yine de isi dusunmemek lazim. Dusunmek gereken, "be careful what you want, you may just get it" sozu.

Bir tanem, daha kac maceramiz kaldi? Seninle olunca bir sey degil ama ben kendi basima ancak ne kadar yaslandigimi hissediyorum. Ne kadar yoruldugumu alismaktan, alistirmaktan.

Ne diye yaziyorum bunlari. Okuyamazsin, anliyamazsin. Hep bir yanim sakli kalacak sana. Ne kadar muthis bundan korkmaman. Gecenin 2si ve ben umuyorum ki sag salim varasin yerine.
Varmazsan.. Dayanirim. Bunlara dayanirim ben kendimi oyle yetistirdim. Hicbir sey olmamis gibi calismaya bile devam edebilirim. Bugun etmedim mi?

Neydi hayatta onemli olan? Yine unuttum galiba.
Tek bildigim, canimsin. Gunes gibi lazimsin.

Bir uykuyu cananla beraber uyuyanlar,
Ömrün bütün ikbalini vuslatta duyanlar,
Bir hazzı tükenmez gece sanmakla zamanı,
Görmezler ufuklarda, şafak söktüğü anı...

Gördükleri ru'ya ezeli bahçedir aşka;
Her mevsimi bir yaz ve esen ruzgarı başka.
Bülbülden o eğlencede feryad işitilmez;
Gül solmayı; mehtab, azalıp gitmeyi bilmez...

.............

Bir ruh, o derin bahçede bir defa yaşarsa
Boynunda O'nun kolları, koynunda O varsa,
Dalmışsa O'nun saçlarının rayihasiyle,
Sevmekteki efsunu duyar her nefesiyle.

.............

Bir uykuyu cananla beraber uyuyanlar,
Varlıkta bütün zevki o cennette duyanlar
Dunyayı unutmuş bulunurken o sularda,
-Zalim saat ihmal edilen vakti çalar da-

Bir an uyanırlarsa leziz uykulardan,
Baştanbaşa, heryer kesilir kapkara, zindan...
Bir faciadır böyle bir alemde uyanmak...
Günden güne, hicranla bunalmış gibi, yanmak...

En cok

baritonlari sevdim. Romantikligin altina saklanan bir arabesktim. Ruhi Su, Fischer Dieskau, Carlos Gardel; hepsi ayni seydi benim icin. Iste pablo nerudanin oldugu gibi:

Yazabilirim en huzunlu dizeleri bu gece
Yazabilirim, ornegin, "Gece yaldizli,
ve titriyor mavi, yildizlar uzakta"

Ruzgar donuyor gokte ve sarki soyluyor
en huzunlu dizeleri yazabilirim bu gece
Sevdim onu, ve kimi zaman o da sevdi beni

Bu gibi gecelerde tuttum onu kollarimda
Optum onu defalarca sonsuz gokyuzu altinda

Sevdi beni ve kimi zaman ben de sevdim onu
Nasil sevilmez onun buyuk, durgun gozleri?


Yazabilirim en huzunlu dizeleri bu gece
Dusunurken ona sahip olmadigimi, hissederken onu kaybettigimi

Dinlerken buyuk geceyi, onsuz daha buyuk
ve dusuyor dize ruha, cigin dustugu gibi kira

Ne farkeder sevgim onu tutamadiysa
Gece yildizli ve o degil yanimda

Hepsi bu. Uzakta sarki soyluyor biri. Uzakta.
Ruhum memnun degil onu kaybetmis olmaktan.

Yaklasabilecekmis gibi ariyor bakisim onu
Kalbim onu ariyor ve o degil yanimda

Ayni gece ayni agaclari beyazlatan
Biz, o zamanki biz, ayni degiliz

Sevmiyorum onu, dogrusu bu; fakat nasil da sevdim onu
Ne kisa ask ve ne uzun unutus

Cunku bunun gibi gecelerde o kollarimda tuttum onu
Ruhum memnun degil onu kaybetmis olmaktan.
Bu bana cektirdigi son aciysa da
ve bunlar ona yazdigim son dizelerse de..
Yazabilirim en huzunlu dizeleri bu gece

It was

It was a summer night. There were stars and I mostly likely did show you Orion. One of my cheap show-offs to boys. A tight tight t-shirt, and white jacket and a dark tan inside. I am burning, yet the air is chilly. The second cheap show-off: passion.
I am so freshly back from the Mediterranean that I am readily delusional, delusional to think that you are my ticket to belonging in these chilly, green countries where I do not speak the language and yet remain all-knowing, worldly and sophisticated.
And you are my gentleman. You are the one that should fix his eyes on me, and open the doors for me to pass. Tall, elegant and a good boy.
For me it is always the same story. Why do I need you, him or anybody? it is the same story yet I have grown old in the meantime. I do not miss being in love. I am in love and I loathe it more than anything. I loathe the fact that I told you I liked you first. ( Used to be proud of it ) It feels weak and cheap now. Why good boy is it that I am better off with you? When i am a good girl myself, who knows, a better one than you are maybe. And maybe not. But still.

Who can be listened to after years and years?

Depeche Mode
Cream

Yorgunum bu aksam

Yagmur yagdi bol bol. Umrumda degil, belki hala yagiyor. Yorgunum bu gece. Usudugumden degil, yalnizliktan degil, yorgunluktan degil; onsuzluktan yorgunum. Hicbir sarkinin yardimi olmadi. Dilimi dondurmeye siir yok. Denedim oysa onu da. Bir anida belki kaybolurum diye baktim fotograflara. Ama fotograflar o degil, anilar o degil. Onu ozledim ben. Yazdim bile ona. Belki icimden cikarirsam hisleri akar gider diye. Olmadi, olmuyor. Eskisi gibi yazilinmiyor, pratigi kaybetmisim. Karnimdan baslayip bogazimla kalbimin arasini sIkIstIran, buna ragmen gozlerime cikmayi basaran huznu bir turlu atamiyorum, anlatamiyorum. Kendime de anlatamiyorum. Uyumam lazim oysa uyku icin huzur gerekir, ruya gerekir. Isiklar kapaniyor karsidaki koca binada. Herkes bir sekilde yasiyor bunu biliyorum, her seye ragmen yasiyor insanciklar. Annem bile yasamaya devam ediyor, 35 yil sonra. Hatta biliyorum ben de yasarim. Nereye donsem bir tarafim kesiliyor yine de, Atilla Ilhanin dedigi uzre.

Rahibeler gibi kapandim manastirima. Degiskenlerden, deyimlerden, atamalardan kendime duvarlar yarattim. Istedigim, tek istedigim buydu. Yine de donuyorum ve...

Damardan

Yanlizlik hizla alcalan bulutlar karanlik bir agirlik 
Hava agir toprak agir yaprak agir 
Su tozlari yagiyor ustumuze 
Ozgurlugumuz yoksa yalnizligimiz midir 
Eflatuna calar puslu lacivert bir sis kusatti ormani 
Karanlik coktu denize 
Yanlizlik cakmak tasi gibi sert elmas gibi keskin 
Ne yanina donsen bir yerin kesilir fena kan kaybedersin 
Kapini bir calan olmadi mi hele elini bir tutan 
Bilekleri bembeyaz kugu boynu parmaklari uzun ve ince 
Simsicak bakislari suc ortagi kacamak gulusleri gizlice 
Yalnizlarin en buyuk sorunu tek basina ozgurluk ne ise yarayacak 
Bir turlu cozemedikleri bu olu bir gezegenin soguk tenhaligina 
Benzemesin diye ozgurluk mutlaka paylasilacak suc ortagi bir sevgiliyle 
Sanmistik ki ikimiz yeryuzunde ancak birbirimiz icin variz 
Ikimiz sanmistik ki tek kisilik bir yalnizliga bile rahatca sigariz 
Hic yanilmamisiz her an dusup dusup kristal bir bardak gibi 
Tuz parca kirilsak da hala icimizde o yanardag agzi 
Hala kipkizil gulumseyen sanki atesten bir tebessum zehir zemberek ASKIMIZ

Litany by Billy Collins

You are the bread and the knife,
The crystal goblet and the wine...
-Jacques Crickillon

You are the bread and the knife,
the crystal goblet and the wine.
You are the dew on the morning grass
and the burning wheel of the sun.
You are the white apron of the baker,
and the marsh birds suddenly in flight.

However, you are not the wind in the orchard,
the plums on the counter,
or the house of cards.
And you are certainly not the pine-scented air.
There is just no way that you are the pine-scented air.

It is possible that you are the fish under the bridge,
maybe even the pigeon on the general's head,
but you are not even close
to being the field of cornflowers at dusk.

And a quick look in the mirror will show
that you are neither the boots in the corner
nor the boat asleep in its boathouse.

It might interest you to know,
speaking of the plentiful imagery of the world,
that I am the sound of rain on the roof.

I also happen to be the shooting star,
the evening paper blowing down an alley
and the basket of chestnuts on the kitchen table.

I am also the moon in the trees
and the blind woman's tea cup.
But don't worry, I'm not the bread and the knife.
You are still the bread and the knife.
You will always be the bread and the knife,
not to mention the crystal goblet and--somehow--the wine.

ben senden once olmek isterim

yoklugun gec yenmis agir bir karbonhidrat gibi cokerse mideme,
zamanin sadece yuk tasimak olacagini saniyorum.
cocuklarimiz olur belki onlar icin hayata devam etmek gerekir,
yine sabahlar olur, sonsuz gokyuzleri,
yine de sen olmadikca, her sey eksik kalir, her sey agir gelir.
yoklugunda ogrendigim, sensiz de yasanir, gulmek mumkun olur,
ama denizler durgun kalir, anlar birbirine karisir,
ve de geriye hicbir sey kalmaz o hammallik yapilmis gunlerden.
bilirsin her zaman bende bir sey birakanin sevdalisi oldum ben.
sense, bugun dusundugum uzre, benim yillarimi an an yasanmisliklara
cevirensin. hic okumayacak olsan da bunlari, bilmesen de,
onemli olan , en azindan bence, baktigimda geriye seninle hep bir agizdan
yasadigimizdir. Gerisi... unuttum bile.

Geri Gelenlere

En onemli seyleri bir salisede unutuyorum da yine geliyorsun aklima. Senden once, senden sonra... Hicbir seyi degistirmedin aslinda. Kapi acmadigin gibi, olanlari da kapattin. Iste o kapilarin ardina zar zor sigdirilmis yasanmisliklar olur olmaz anlarda doluyor benligime.

Hatirliyorum seni, ne kadar umrumda olmasa da. Kucucuk mimiklerin, Bir kac gunden, bir kac olaydan bir dolu ayrinti. Kucucuk, anlamsiz, anlamli. Guzelligin kadar, hatta daha fazla acimasizligin, duygusuzlugun diyelim. Bir anda icimde acan o muthis cicek ve onun solusu. Hic kimse, sen dahil, o cicekleri ezemediniz, ben yillar gectikce daha az sulayip, soldurdum onlari. Sonra baska ciceklere gubre oldular.

Ama bazen ansizin tekrar ciktilar yerden. Yanimdan gecen biri, senin boyunda; bir koku kimdense artik, tipki senin parfumun; arkadan gelen bir ses.. An be an senin olamayacagina kendimi ikna etmek. Okulda, iste..

Bir sey olsan, hadi neyse. Esas zoru zaten bir sey olabilmek birine. Bu degil. Bunun hicbir anlami yok ikimiz de biliyoruz.

Peki ne zaman gelecek bu senden sonra?

Tired

I am working on a Monday at 1:11 Am. There is something seriously wrong. I got myself into some shit that I can not get out of. Totally my fault. I am going to go to my flat and sleep in 15 min.

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

So I think Krostif claimed that LSD does not have any bad effects on the body. Why is it so thoroughly banned then? Ask wiki.

Some interesting facts first: "In one study in the late 1950s, Dr Humphry Osmond gave LSD to alcoholics in Alcoholics Anonymous who had failed to quit drinking.^[13] After one year, around 50% of the study group had not had a drink — a success rate that has never been duplicated by any other means."

Hmm here it comes: "Sandoz halted LSD production in August 1965 after growing governmental protests at its proliferation among the general populace. "

By the mid-sixties the backlash against the use of LSD and its perceived corrosive effects on the values of the Western middle class resulted in governmental action to restrict the availability of the drug by making any use of it illegal. Despite a history of positive results of judicious use under controlled circumstances, LSD was declared a "Schedule 1", even though this entails that the drug has a "high potential for abuse" and is without any "currently accepted medical use in treatment". LSD was removed from legal circulation. To support this action, the United States Drug Enforcement Administration claimed:

Although initial observations on the benefits of LSD were highly optimistic, empirical data developed subsequently proved less promising ... Its use in scientific research has been extensive and its use has been widespread. Although the study of LSD and other hallucinogens increased the awareness of how chemicals could affect the mind, its use in psychotherapy largely has been debunked. It produces aphrodisiac effects, does not increase creativity, has no lasting positive effect in treating alcoholics or criminals, does not produce a 'model psychosis', and does not generate immediate personality change. However, drug studies have confirmed that the powerful hallucinogenic effects of this drug can produce profound adverse reactions, such as acute panic reactions, psychotic crises, and "flashbacks", especially in users ill-equipped to deal with such trauma.^[16]

LSD became illegal in California on October 6, 1966. Other U.S. states and the rest of the world followed with the ban.

Yes, Krostif seems to have been right. The only reason it seems was that people drew too much pleasure out of it and some could not deal with strong physicological effects (could they have overdosed?).

It is just so funny that guns are still all over this place while LSD is not!

Tea Party

Since I arrived, the single most practiced activity of mine has been watching TV. To tell you the truth, this may well be the best way to get to know America, as my hanging out in the hotel lobby does not look like it would amount to much.

First, I naively hoped that by watching CNN I could get some sort of news on Europe and ME. Haha... As a result, I have learned all about the "NEWS" in US. The main thing remaining from my previous days is a homeless radio speaker recovered and reunited with his mother. Now yesterday evening's events have totally erased all else. A congress woman (i am still not clear what that means but but but) has been shot in Arizona. It seems the guy was simply crazy and just shot without too much aim or thinking over the consequences.

5 people I think died. 3 over 60. And a 9 year old girl. And the congress woman got a head injury and is still in critical condition.

Some discussions are there from what I understand about whether this was a result of her being explicitly targeted by the Tea Party movement a year ago or so. I started to wonder what this Tea Party movement is. And thank you wiki for enlightening us:

"Various polls have also probed Tea Party supporters for their views on a variety of political and controversial issues. A University of Washington poll of 1,695 registered voters in the State of Washington reported that 73% of Tea Party supporters disapprove of Obama's policy of engaging with Muslim countries, 88% approve of the controversial immigration law recently enacted in Arizona, 82% do not believe that gay and lesbian couples should have the legal right to marry, and that about 52% believed that "lesbians and gays have too much political power.""

There is something seriously wrong about the US. I can to a certain extent understand Europeans, Germans, Swedes, Italian, Turkish, Russian. But the Americans? Where else do people should a bunch of others without any reason almost every month? There are 80 million people with registered guns in the US. I read this statement in Seattle times today and it said 80 million people, not 80 million guns. Either way... A 10 year old boy shot his mother somewhere rural using a RIFLE that resided in his BEDROOM! This was the news from the paper. It said before 12-13, children do not have a whole understanding of the consequences of their actions. Therefore, they are more likely to act impulsively.

Seriously there is something wrong with the US. I find it still hard to press my finger on it. But I will one day.

Now perhaps the whole problem lies here: Now this 10 year old had rifles in his bedroom, because apparently it is custom to hunt as a teenage wherever he was and there is no min. age for obtaining a hunting license either (just beautiful). Some argue that these are all fine but the parents have not done their job of parenting, thus providing all access to guns and enabled the incident. Now others like us (Europeans, non-US humans?) would say, ban the guns, keep the guns locked up AND make sure kids are AFRAID of guns like they come from Elm street hell. DO whatever you can so more people do not die, we would say. WHATEVER.

I come from Turkey, where people constantly get shot at weddings when people are shooting a few hands to the air for celebration. But I am yet to hear a case in Turkey where a person just would shoot anyone in the vicinity. OK, our police has done this a good many times. Ok, there may be like 2-3 incidents that I do not remember. And people like hurting each other in my country where 60% beat up their wives. But for god's sakes. We are most definitely more sane. Most definitely.

America

It has been now 3 days since I came. Seattle is either dark or gray. It is kind of depressing after Dubai. The city is much smaller than I thought as well. For instance, today I met a Russian lady at the mall and she said it took her 5 years to get used to it. She was from Moscow and she was used to big city life, always something to do... Museums, operas...Who would say a Russian person would be depressed to come to US?

Surprisingly much of my days so far has been spent shopping. I needed so many of the basics. Hat, gloves, umbrella, toothpaste, washing powder, beer, converter, lens solution, lens box (which are sold separate of solution in US). All of these I managed to obtain in the last 2 days, along with many items that I actually did not require: Victoria's secret bra, watch -ok, i kinda needed this as a serious employee of a serious company-, scented candles (now i realize i dont have fire in the flat, no lighters, no matches), computer book, 2011 calender, bunch of socks, face wash, earrings. *i hope that is all* From the original list, I still lack a fleece.

Here, I would like to get into the whole people's clothing issue. I came here full knowing that americans would not dress up. And I did check yearly temperatures of Seattle. But nothing could prepare me for this! People in all kinds of big coats, berets, loose pants, fleeces, rain jackets. I have not seen one sexy lady walking in downtown Seattle. None. And I can relate. I can truly relate. Dear god, how can 7 degrees feel like 0? It does absolutely. It feels kind of like you wish it would snow. So it would take some of this damn cold away. After the gloves my hands feel better. However, I am cold even in jeans! I will try my coat tomorrow. Hope things improve.

Yes, the fleece. Now I have realized that ALL people seem to wear are these loose, high-tech type clothes on the street. Obviously, these are necessary for warmth around here. Now my only real warmth experience with not too much damage to looks is nice fleece. However, I am not satisfied by any fleece. It has to be mildly lady-adapted. It shouldnt make you androgynous all of a sudden. And there you run into a whole problem of trying stuff on before you buy. (not too mention the whole US sizes problem)

Now I do very much understand the online shopping craze in the US. Because without a car, it seems hard to reach shops. Really there are so little in the city center. It almost felt like I have seen it all. And it was not much. Thankfully H&M is here. VS as aforementioned. Some department stores. Lush, body shop, HH (nice shop but not much fleece to have inside of coat). There are of course other shops. But almost nothing interesting. What kind of a small town I have fallen into? American Outfitters (that place I really am not counting on for anything), loft(no idea), macys, nordstrom(ex-swedes making money). I can easily tell that the revenue for world's largest economy does not come from downtown Seattle.

Now I gotta get up and try to put together an outfit for my first day. Both warm ( I will walk to orientation tomorrow and than walk to my workplace) and lady like and a touch sexy, that will make some sort of an impression. Therefore, shoes and dress and socks are still a serious issue.