small things

I do not want to write to you. I am afraid you will get tired of hearing it. But I miss you miss you miss you.

I try. I try to ignore it. I try not to act immature and do something silly. But we are all human. And there are 24 hours in a day and then there are weekends. There is an empty bed I go to every night. There are walks to work, consumed by physical pain that you are missing. You are missing both inside me and outside me. And everything is purposeless, and I am getting empty. Day by day I get more lost.

The world has been on my firgertips. I found the love of my life. The single person that I love to pieces who also accepts me with my untidiness, my postponing tasks, my softness. Yes I have it all. And yet it just feels empty. I try to keep a face. People will see me smile, make promises, set long hours to work, be friendly. Try I do. But that does not change the fact. The fact sits inside me. And eats me up.

I am almost 32. I still do not know what to do. How to feel. On one side there is a clear message: here is the agenda. work, career, money. On the other side there is the youthful message. Be what you are, do what you want while you can.

In the end, I take a look at my ring and I take a look at the mirror. And I try to hold on. But for what?