I have always pointed out that my sins are pride and jealousy. Somehow, they go very well together in my altogether broken character. I was thinking today of Kurt Cobain. He was from Seattle, was he not? He has this great quote that I can not copy paste right now. Because of stupid explorer.
Anyway, my only hope also feels like being someone else.
Maybe I should just walk away and be someone else. Why is it the hardest of all deeds to be someone else? Of all the things I have managed to get in life: a beautiful husband, great family, money, decent jobs, success (?) which look so shiny and great from the outside, I seem to lack one thing that stops me from enjoying these.
Or rather two?
I am negative.
I can not attain balance in life.
According to me, I have just painted life in a bunch of quick, careless strokes. I get away with this simply because of luck and because of the speed of the strokes. But the brush is getting old. The canvas is a mess when looked closely, the mess is apparent.

For instance, I get addicted quickly.
I get bored very quickly and absolutely lack any consistency and devotion.
I am extremely selfish, to the point of my grandmother.
I am too inward, way too inward. I absolutely lack confidence.
I don't know what I want and even I do, I am too tired always to get it.
And I whine and whine.

Yes, the mess is apparent. And instead of fixing it, I will quickly jump on to some other new stroke. That is what I do. Pretend that I have not found what I am looking for yet. That I am the eternal searcher. But guess what girl? It is YOU. You are the faulty thing, not each and every choice you make. You should get on your knees and WORK for the amazing life opportunities that you have been so graciously granted. WORK.

With this I go back to my original plan. I should have started working at 20:30. Instead it is 22:30. And still all I managed to do is connect to VPN. What I am doing is complaining on my blog. Seriously, why am I like this?