Be a man!

That is what I say to myself. Because after watching Nana (the anime), I realized we are girls after all. Not because we dedicate our lives to ordering clothes online, checking boots everywhere and following fashion magazines; because we assume our lives with men.

I have always been fairly independent, and quite good at entertaining myself. But the truth is I assumed the existence of a man, at least in the future. Always there was a male assumption in my heart of hearts. I am talking to my mother on it endlessly but the truth just hits me. I am no different. I always say, "I accept the risk that K can leave me anyday", yet this is not acceptance of his not being there for me that I am talking about. It is the acceptance of the challange that this will bring on. I will take the challenge and play it out for all to see that I can make it even without him and that I had always expected this.

The truth is that I would not accept it. Not deep inside. And I would always feel half or 3/4ths without him. It should not be so and there lies the real matter. It just should be that we feel whole by ourselves and miss the other person, simply because they are someone we have a good time with. Not because we feel partially lost without them.

Why have I been like this and never even realized it? When I was alone, I was forced to loneliness. It is not that I really chose it, although I always claimed otherwise. And it was clearly this that drove me to U. To have someone.

I should persuade myself that I do well enough by my self. Because I do not want to try to do this when that someone is already gone. Then I will have other worries, problems. I will have objects and places and everything else that remains.

This should be a new project for me. I may not be perfect, but I should be good enough... for myself.