Bukowski

don't come round but if you do ...

yeah sure, I'll be in unless I'm out
don't knock if the lights are out
or you hear voices or then
I might be reading Proust
if someone slips Proust under my door
or one of his bones for my stew,
and I can't loan money or
the phone
or what's left of my car
thought you can have yesterday's newspaper
an old shirt or a bologna sandwich
or sleep on the couch
if you don't scream at night
and you can talk about yourself
that's only normal;
hard times are upon us all
only I am not trying to raise a family
to send through Harvard
or buy hunting land,
I am not aiming high
I am only trying to keep myself alive
just a little longer,
so if you sometimes knock
and I don't answer
and there isn't a woman in here
maybe I have broken my jaw
and am looking for wire
or I am chasing the butterflies in
my wallpaper,
I mean if I don't answer
I don't answer, and the reason is
that I am not yet ready to kill you
or love you, or even accept you,
it means I don't want to talk
I am busy, I am mad, I am glad
or maybe I'm stringing up a rope;
so even if the lights are on
and you hear sound
like breathing or praying or singing
a radio or the roll of dice
or typing -
go away, it is not the day
the night, the hour;
it is not the ignorance of impoliteness,
I wish to hurt nothing, not even a bug
but sometimes I gather evidence of a kind
that takes some sorting,
and your blue eyes, be they blue
and your hair, if you have some
or your mind - they cannot enter
until the rope is cut or knotted
or until I have shaven into
new mirrors, until the world is
stopped or opened
forever.

i dont miss you anymore

I had this project of compiling the songs that belonged to all the guys that I fell for. I even have a list written on the subject, but I think it is sitting in Ankara, at my parents place.

Now I will attempt this again. Though I do not know if I want the whole world to know. Realistically I will not remember many, as many of these guys are blurred for me now. And I can take it out whenever I feel like it. Besides it suits my current programming activities.. you know, the boredom and all.

B: Hasret - Munir Nurettin
Love - (some song that was popular at the time, sung by a sweet girl)

J: I dont miss you anymore - Lisa Ekdahl
Volcano - Damien Rice
Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice

U: Elbette - Canan Ercetin

A: English Summer Rain (dont know why dont know who, but good song)

Yes, I will update it in the future

bazi seyler sonsuza kaar burnumda tutecek herhalde. 80 yasina gelsem de bolumu sevgiyle hatirlayacagim.

My eyes hurt. Waiting for him to come back from Dubai, originally from Saudi. I did my daily crying quite early today, therefore it was a relatively calm day.

As the day is closing to an end, I have come so far as to learn classes of fire extinguishers in the US.

soul status

i came home with a bag of cigarettes and chips. that should say it all.

books

I always have hard time answering when they ask me what I like reading.
So in order to not to forget, I read Robin Hobb's Assassin's Apprentice last.
And I have started on Six Degrees.
Before that I read Mahrem.

???

My office mate M. was once describing his wife's pregnant state: "She has become slow, you know, in understanding stuff. Gets the jokes late and all. But it is supposed to pass when the baby comes"

Now in my current state frankly I wonder. Am I pregnant?

my new life philosophy

if you do not know what to do with your life, smoke another cigarette.

It is 12:38, I have had 8 ciggs already.

before bedtime

i have such a long TODO list, i need help. like, lots of help.
and god i am tired.
and god i am finding dream jobs.
and everything aches, the gym side-effect has never kicked in so quickly. is it because i am almost 30?
and i really need K tonight and he is far away

What did I do today?

1. Reformatted my cv: added photo, added links to publications, changed colors a little
2. Started writing a potential cover letter to docomo
3. Wrote back and forth with my contact at docomo
4. Applied to Birmingham

I feel seriously tired. These took me the whole day. I wonder if I will make it to see the ladies tomorrow.

My week in pics

View from Work Room Window..


Dubai Bride Show

Work Table...

Shall I stop swimming against the flow?

So, what shall I do? Shall I stop fighting and crying and then fighting again?

I really feel very cornered. My eyes drift away from the screen to the cigarette package on the table. My mind pushes it back. I think about New York, about beaches of South Florida, I think about my lovely husband. I think about my life of 29 years, lived so protected, so unrealistically soft. I think about Europe, its plazas, its museums, its values. Then I think about the States. I judge it. My mind twists and rolls.

I will come out and say it. I regret it. I should have never done a ph.d. Yet I do not say I wish I had done something else. I could not have done anything else at the time. There was not any exciting possibilities, any real challenges except what I chose. There was no other way out of Turkey for me.

I look at the cigarettes again. (I can decrease it to one a day perhaps. )

I feel torn.

Eski Asklar

Eskisi gibi asklar yok simdi. Eger eskiden vardiysalar. Emel Sayin Munir Nurettin'e cover yapmis. Onu dinliyorum simdi. (Olmamis, o tok ses yakisiyor bu sarkilara) Hatirla maziyi mesudu, sen de benim gibi yan. Unutmadim seni ömrunce bir dakika inan Olabilir mi böyle bir sey? Acaba cok orta yasli olunca mi anlayacagiz bunu? Gruba bakinca birilerini aniyoruz da, bir dakika unutmadigimiz var mi?

I am clueless, but tears suddenly started falling with this one:
Wasserflut

Cok cok önce bir turkce dersinde

"dinle böceğim,
uzun bir seyahate çıkacağım, hareketimden
evvel bazı şeyleri söylemek arzusundayım.
Yokluğum fazla uzayabilir, zaman zaman,
dediklerimi dinleyerek saptarsın ki: hayatta
kimse kimseyi anlayamaz, kimse kimsenin yerini
tutamaz; aşk dediğimiz, ya vahim bir yanlış
anlaşılmadır, ya kötü bir hayal kurma tarzı:
iki kişinin ikisi de, öbürünün yerine hayal
kurmaya kalkıştığından, sukut-u hayaller eksik
olmaz! Sen dediğime kulak ver, kendimizden
başkasını sevemiyoruz; sevdiğimiz,
şahsiyetimizin dışlaştırılmış, bir başkasının
üzerinde somutlaştırılmış hayali; o başkası da
kendisini üçüncü bir şahıs üzerinde
dışlaştırır, somutlaştırır: arada ahenk
kurulamaz, nasıl kurulsun, sevdiğimizle
sandığımız farklı! Muvaffak bir çift,
yalnızlığa tahammülü yüksek iki insan manasını
taşır: çift demek, yanyana iki yalnızlık
demek, beraber bile olamamış, kesişmesi bile
zor! Onun için böyle bir hayatı, içine girip
kurbanı olmadan yaşayacaksın, yani uzaktan.
Uzaktaki, soyut, hemen hemen yok bir şahsı
sevmekten güzelini tasavvur edemiyorum.
Yakında olmayan sevgili tahayyülde yaşatılır,
hayalde yaşamak az evvel açıkladığım kaideye
uygun olarak, onu kendine benzetmektir;
yanında bulunmayacağından, o buna ne itiraz
edebilir, ne müdehale: sevdiğini hayalinde
değiştirdikçe, kendine benzettikçe daha çok
seversin, böylece denge korunmuş olur. Sevmek!
Sevmek esasında alıp başını gitmektir,
sevgiliden uzaklaşan mutlak aşka yaklaşır,
sevdiğini gönlünde kendi bildiğince yeniden
yaratarak. . ."

Wohin - Schubert

1. "I am too nervous. Germans are romantic, right?"
2. The British (a.k.a. "Of course we do german better than germans, look at me!")
   
3. Best newcomer: The hyperactive
4. He is actually shouting the poem
5. "Wohin?" "In puberty" (still the best young )
6. "Can I go home? Anyway, I do not have a soul"

Finally, THE MASTER (starts at 2:55)

And there is another performance, my favorite, that I wish I could record from my memories...But he still lives and breathes. There should be hope then.

last few days

I have finally found it. It is an extreme sense of unsatisfaction/discontentedness. I go round and round trying a bunch of things. I have slept long hours, read long hours, ate a lot of unhealthy stuff, smoked enough cigarettes for a month, surfed the net according to my heart's every whim. Yet I find no peace. If I could think of anything new to do for this right now, I would. I am looking at the puzzle in the study and I do not feel an enthusiasm even for that. Clueless.

blog'umda bug var

cok cok gec olmus. onu bunu bosverip uyumaliyim.

poems we love- part I

To see her is a Picture --
To hear her is a Tune --
To know her an Intemperance
As innocent as June --
To know her not -- Affliction --
To own her for a Friend
A warmth as near as if the Sun
Were shining in your Hand.
Emily Dickinson

Aglayarak uykuya dalanlar vardir, bir de onu bile yapamayanlar. Önemli olan mutsuzluklarimizi bosluga dönusturmemek, bir seyler yapmak. (Muthis bir hizda icilen) 3 sigara sonucu css olaylari hakkinda fikriyat edindim. Sonrasinda epey bir resim begenme ve estetik oynamalari sonucu imaj degisikligi yapmayi basardim blogumda. Tekrar meslegimi icra eder hissettim ayrica. Bir tek side bar icerigini biraz daha asagi almak kaldi.

carrying things around

I did not bring anything from sweden to here. save a bunch of dresses that i recently bought. some t-shirts and tops. ok looking stuff, most bought again recently. i did not carry anything of the past in a physical sense to UAE.

Save.. save a toy monkey that produces this weird monkey sound. K hates the sound. They are pair monkeys that we bought with my sister from AnkaMall a few years back. When I was sad for some reason last year I slept holding it a few nights. I liked having it next to me in bed when K was away. This is extraordinary considering my contempt for stuffed animals and other stuffed toys.
So I brought it here rather rationally. it is light and soft. Easy to tuck in a suitcase. Should also be symbolic of the fact that what I really want to take with me further is my sister and my husband.

But the moral of the story here is that it is really lightening to leave material things behind. I have to think hard to remember an object that I miss from my things back in Sthlm. Although I packed them into boxes and boxes and boxes. Now I listen to people talking about their stuff and look at them with disdain as I imagine their porslin statues and pots and beads and all other memoribilia. I have none here more or less and I am still happy. I still feel I am a neat box myself of memories, of the love of a large family, of so much care.

Maybe I am just satisfied now with whatever I have kept in my mind. I am used to leaving things and people behind. I have seen the uselessness of trying to hold on to people, let alone things. I only hold on to the feelings people evoked in me. Once upon a time. Objects seem to accentuate the bitterness of losing. That's perhaps a mechanism I have cooked up to strip myself away of them.

The only ambition I have right now, is to keep looking composed. A woman in control of the situation. Läget under kontroll as they would say in Swedish. The rest does not help.

A summary

At least it hasn't been a month. At least I skipped that embarressment. For I have enough of them in my life right now.

Today I learned for instance that I had a plane ticket to Sthlm on the 15th. So I missed my plane. What I was really supposed to do was to change the date for the flight to summer. Instead I just assumed that the ticket was for the end of the month and simply missed the chance to use it. Smart.

Another success story. Our car went to Dubai for registration. They gave us an old stupid car for the day. And what did I do? I left my new sports shoes in the car. Since I can not drive with them. And then our real car came and my shoes went to Dubai with the old stupid car. Congratulations to me.

So here I sit here. Reading David Walker's 2000 POPL paper and thinking that everything has already been done. That there isn't place in the scientific world for anyone except the geniuses and all others are just decor, scenery, background.

Yes I feel like confessing all my mistakes. All the instances that I ignored people for instance. All those times that I have been very very selfish under the surface. And I feel like confessing NOT in a romantisized manner like I sometimes feel like confessing to all the men I desire when I am drunk, but rather in a desperate, perhaps christian sort of way. I really want to "get rid of" my sins. I really want to make a new promise to myself.

Because really when was the last time I made a new years resolution. I have none. I have no such ambitions in life left as changing it seems. I can not write much more about this. Dead end.

Let us continue along the lines of the summary. I am waiting for the proffessort from Q to ring me and tell me I am useless really. I do not know what to tell him as I find it difficult to choose a problem. (see above)

Otherwise, just for the record, my real happy pastimes of the last month are driving. Just full concentration, and music. Then one does not have to think about divorcing parents or dying grandmothers or uselessness. And thanks to the world. It is warm and pleasant here.

And then daddy was here. Unbelivably, parents become harder by the year. Must be because they start losing it after a while. Some brain cells refuse to be replaced. Hence they become out of snych with the real world. But they do not realize it for a long while, until perhaps they are very old, perhaps they never do. So then the mapping changes. Instead of two parents with X many children, each children is with two parents, which they should all the more gently keep in line. Make sure they do not waste away whatever is left of their lives. A role that came to me quite suddenly. I am still trying to grow into it. Somehow. There must be a way.

Then my moments of pleasure. Watching bones. Identifying myself with the female nerdy scientist role once again. As severe a case as in Stargate SG1. Life really teaches you about you. That's good. At least there is someone left to do that.

Have I spilled enough of my mind here? I think so. And all the while it is still light, very light here.

experiencing the foreign

I took a quick look at pelin's blog. I can understand her excitement about moving. Though I can not sympathize with her. I think it is partially because for me it feels like I have returned home, to the Middle East and partially because I am a girl that is trying to make it in a foreign land, in the real world where I am absolutely unconnected.

Being back in the Middle East feels good though. It is being back in a world where people actually smile, where things are more chaotic, more relaxed and harder at the same time. A world under the sun and fortunately for me beside the sea.

To all the pleasures that I can easily reach here (sports, fresh air, turquoise water, cheap and good ME food) is added the new and horrifying feelings of being both useless and totally aimless.

i am thankful for

• all the pretty boys that passed through my life
• the amazing people that i experienced new levels of existence with
• the travels that i have gone through

I have finally found my sin: pride

sadece...

yazamiyorum. yoksa ne yogunum, ne heyecanliyim, ne de downright mutsuzum.
tamam, umutsuzum.