A summary

At least it hasn't been a month. At least I skipped that embarressment. For I have enough of them in my life right now.

Today I learned for instance that I had a plane ticket to Sthlm on the 15th. So I missed my plane. What I was really supposed to do was to change the date for the flight to summer. Instead I just assumed that the ticket was for the end of the month and simply missed the chance to use it. Smart.

Another success story. Our car went to Dubai for registration. They gave us an old stupid car for the day. And what did I do? I left my new sports shoes in the car. Since I can not drive with them. And then our real car came and my shoes went to Dubai with the old stupid car. Congratulations to me.

So here I sit here. Reading David Walker's 2000 POPL paper and thinking that everything has already been done. That there isn't place in the scientific world for anyone except the geniuses and all others are just decor, scenery, background.

Yes I feel like confessing all my mistakes. All the instances that I ignored people for instance. All those times that I have been very very selfish under the surface. And I feel like confessing NOT in a romantisized manner like I sometimes feel like confessing to all the men I desire when I am drunk, but rather in a desperate, perhaps christian sort of way. I really want to "get rid of" my sins. I really want to make a new promise to myself.

Because really when was the last time I made a new years resolution. I have none. I have no such ambitions in life left as changing it seems. I can not write much more about this. Dead end.

Let us continue along the lines of the summary. I am waiting for the proffessort from Q to ring me and tell me I am useless really. I do not know what to tell him as I find it difficult to choose a problem. (see above)

Otherwise, just for the record, my real happy pastimes of the last month are driving. Just full concentration, and music. Then one does not have to think about divorcing parents or dying grandmothers or uselessness. And thanks to the world. It is warm and pleasant here.

And then daddy was here. Unbelivably, parents become harder by the year. Must be because they start losing it after a while. Some brain cells refuse to be replaced. Hence they become out of snych with the real world. But they do not realize it for a long while, until perhaps they are very old, perhaps they never do. So then the mapping changes. Instead of two parents with X many children, each children is with two parents, which they should all the more gently keep in line. Make sure they do not waste away whatever is left of their lives. A role that came to me quite suddenly. I am still trying to grow into it. Somehow. There must be a way.

Then my moments of pleasure. Watching bones. Identifying myself with the female nerdy scientist role once again. As severe a case as in Stargate SG1. Life really teaches you about you. That's good. At least there is someone left to do that.

Have I spilled enough of my mind here? I think so. And all the while it is still light, very light here.