I did not bring anything from sweden to here. save a bunch of dresses that i recently bought. some t-shirts and tops. ok looking stuff, most bought again recently. i did not carry anything of the past in a physical sense to UAE.
Save.. save a toy monkey that produces this weird monkey sound. K hates the sound. They are pair monkeys that we bought with my sister from AnkaMall a few years back. When I was sad for some reason last year I slept holding it a few nights. I liked having it next to me in bed when K was away. This is extraordinary considering my contempt for stuffed animals and other stuffed toys.
So I brought it here rather rationally. it is light and soft. Easy to tuck in a suitcase. Should also be symbolic of the fact that what I really want to take with me further is my sister and my husband.
But the moral of the story here is that it is really lightening to leave material things behind. I have to think hard to remember an object that I miss from my things back in Sthlm. Although I packed them into boxes and boxes and boxes. Now I listen to people talking about their stuff and look at them with disdain as I imagine their porslin statues and pots and beads and all other memoribilia. I have none here more or less and I am still happy. I still feel I am a neat box myself of memories, of the love of a large family, of so much care.
Maybe I am just satisfied now with whatever I have kept in my mind. I am used to leaving things and people behind. I have seen the uselessness of trying to hold on to people, let alone things. I only hold on to the feelings people evoked in me. Once upon a time. Objects seem to accentuate the bitterness of losing. That's perhaps a mechanism I have cooked up to strip myself away of them.
The only ambition I have right now, is to keep looking composed. A woman in control of the situation. Läget under kontroll as they would say in Swedish. The rest does not help.
1 comment:
It reminds me of an episode of Oprah, I once happened to see. I know Oprah, too emotional, but still. It was about people having too much junk in their houses. So a counselor (on the coach with Oprah), helped people getting rid of their junk. Tears (of happiness and relief of course) followed afterwards. More dramatic than your case, but perhaps the ideas were the same.
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