Episode 1
As I took off my clothes one by one, I covered myself inch by inch. He worked: touched, kissed. I closed my eyes and thought about what to wear to work the next day, to book tickets for a travel next month, and the memories of the trip to Barcelona with a best friend whom I had not called for years.
The shield was quite complete though occasionally physical sensation penetrated it; it was not often.
He was there, I was not. I was nowhere.
Some time later, due to an unforeseen spurt of feelings under intoxication (but really even some time after _that_), I sat down to think about what I wanted. A luxury forgetten to working folk everywhere; whom has made the needs of their company/department/team their own needs. I was not particularly good at this. Not to give a wrong impression... I was thoroughly grateful that I had any choices in life at all, and recognized very well that only a possible 10 in 1M had more choices than me in life.
However, this did not make me any better at knowing what I wanted.
At this point, the problem was that I had everything and to come up with new things was quite difficult. On the other hand, I was not yet at a point to deny that I needed all this "everything" and deciding that I did not want things was also not particularly attractive as an option. I liked my good looking husband, the classy bags, the well located flat... and most important of all, my identity = my job. I needed these things, but wasn't sure how much. I was neither ready to find out. So a new path of spirituality would only scare me.
I lived like most, in between alive and dead. I did get angry to many things, politics at work, politics in nation. I got saddened mostly thinking (when appropriate examples came along) about those much less unfortunte in life than me. Most strongly I felt was 1) Fear, fear of loosing things as I realized that this was a climax point in life and things could not get "better" (or rather "more"). 2) The euphoria/fatigue I got after exercise. Otherwise, emptiness prevailed.
Really, what did I want? I wanted to feel... To feel loved I suppose. To feel human.
As I took off my clothes one by one, I covered myself inch by inch. He worked: touched, kissed. I closed my eyes and thought about what to wear to work the next day, to book tickets for a travel next month, and the memories of the trip to Barcelona with a best friend whom I had not called for years.
The shield was quite complete though occasionally physical sensation penetrated it; it was not often.
He was there, I was not. I was nowhere.
Some time later, due to an unforeseen spurt of feelings under intoxication (but really even some time after _that_), I sat down to think about what I wanted. A luxury forgetten to working folk everywhere; whom has made the needs of their company/department/team their own needs. I was not particularly good at this. Not to give a wrong impression... I was thoroughly grateful that I had any choices in life at all, and recognized very well that only a possible 10 in 1M had more choices than me in life.
However, this did not make me any better at knowing what I wanted.
At this point, the problem was that I had everything and to come up with new things was quite difficult. On the other hand, I was not yet at a point to deny that I needed all this "everything" and deciding that I did not want things was also not particularly attractive as an option. I liked my good looking husband, the classy bags, the well located flat... and most important of all, my identity = my job. I needed these things, but wasn't sure how much. I was neither ready to find out. So a new path of spirituality would only scare me.
I lived like most, in between alive and dead. I did get angry to many things, politics at work, politics in nation. I got saddened mostly thinking (when appropriate examples came along) about those much less unfortunte in life than me. Most strongly I felt was 1) Fear, fear of loosing things as I realized that this was a climax point in life and things could not get "better" (or rather "more"). 2) The euphoria/fatigue I got after exercise. Otherwise, emptiness prevailed.
Really, what did I want? I wanted to feel... To feel loved I suppose. To feel human.
No comments:
Post a Comment