Same Life Anew

Tend to ignore how much I hate beginning of new jobs. In this period, you really do not know what you are doing, what you will be doing and who is who. Time passes slower. You talk to random strangers whom you will never see again without knowing better. You do things which you will never again do.

This part of life becomes even worse when you do not know what you are supposed to learn. For colleagues before you, it is all out there. There it is, really. But for you as the newcomer, nothing is clear.

In my case, on top of all this, it is not clear what I should be doing, what are my tasks, where do I fit in?

Being here gives me a perspective of what people management is and what project management is; and how they can very well be mutually exclusive.

I really can not wait to go home at this point of time. It is 5PM and I woke up early thinking I would fetch some people, waited around for them to call half an hour in the morning, essentially making it to work at 9:15. Waking up at 7:30.

I miss my old job, where things were clear. The code base was in front of me, the build tools were in front of me, we had a wiki about anything and everything and I actually had a manager. Maybe this is what happens when one becomes a manager. Then one does not have in reality a manager. But we still had scrums, 1&1s, and weekly group reports to monitor situation and make everyone aware of what is going on. Here I have seen absolutely nothing. No plan, no task assignments, no schedules, absolutely nothing except some executive level docs.

For a person who is as non-dynamic as me in these beginner situations, staying at the same place would be the sane thing to do. Or just to become this person who does not care all that much until responsibility strikes (like one of my ex-managers). However, I do neither and just get bored.

Wonder if it was like this in the first days of my previous job in Dubai. Did I get bored as much? Hmm... Ok I have some docs and flows. However, these are all high level. There is no architectural doc here about the components. It feels all upside down after my previous job.

K. is gone for a trip and feels like I have nothing to do. In fact ever since I quit my previous job, I seem to not to have purpose. I do not even feel like I enjoy or not enjoy, it is more like long periods of being indifferent, followed by short bursts of seeing K and trying to get my mind around of what building a life together entailed.

5:18PM. Yes, just want to go home.