Derin Nefesler

Kaygi demisti, doktor, yorar demisti. Yorulmayi bir tarafa birakalim, oturamiyorum yerimde. Cunku her sey kontrolden cikti. Her sey boslukta yuzuyor. Ve de yuregim surekli sIkIsIyor.

Sonbahar geldi sonunda. Hava iliman, kaymak gibi. Oyle deriz biz, kaymak gibi. Gunes tehdit unsuru degil artik. Ilimanligin gostergesi. Bu yuzden iceride olmak anlamsiz geliyor. Evet sadece bu yuzden.

Gecen gun yine parlak fikirlerimden biri geldi aklima. Biz bence, insanoglu, uygun degil bu fiziksel dunyaya. Ic dunyasi bu derece -fiziksel gerceklikten bu kadar kopma becerisiyle- gelismis bir varlik, bu dunyaya uygun degil. Beynimizin fiziksel bir varlik olmasi yetmiyor bizi fiziksel dunyaya bagli tutmaya. Beynin basarisi ve zayif noktasi ayni.

Belki bende de hafif bir bipolarlik vardir. Kim bilir. Yine kis depresyonu yasiyorum. Yine bir kis ve yine bir depresyon. Bir yerde bir sIkIntI var. Belki self-consciousness cok gelismis bende. Bir tur lanet gibi dusmuyor yakamdan. Bazen oturup dusunuyorum ciddi ciddi, nasil yasiyor insanlar. Baska birinin beyninde olmak bir sure. Baska sekilde gorebilmek hayati.

Derin nefesler aliyorum. Yerimde oturuyorum. Dayaniyorum. Her an yasamaya dayaniyorum.

Breaking Apart

It is so easy, so scarily easy in fact.

You get stuck somewhere. You go at it again and again, you just can not get over it, but neither of you gives in either. It just happens.

I don't want to continue complaining. I do not want to push him away at all. But I am tired of this "women are like that, we don't understand" talk. What is not to understand? To say a few nice things, to reassure, to show a bit more care; why are these so hard? Why is it so much easier to complain of women complaining rather than just being a bit more "loving"?

Now I am at a loss because before he understood when I told him. And he became a bit more closer to me and everything felt fine afterwards. Since I came back it feels like he does not care, or does not want to work on it. Maybe he is too stressed at work so all his life effort is spent there or I am too much work myself, since I am unhappy about every single thing since I came back and have confronted him too many times; or or or "we" has become an old and uninteresting issue which nobody wants to work on.

What would I say if I went to a psychologist?

I feel insecure ever since I came back. I came back to be with the people that I love. And it feels like he does not need me, or my love. And since I do not feel needed at work either, I find everything uninteresting. I have this growing feeling inside that I do not have a place, a space. I am not useful to anyone.

It was not like this before. He was not like this. Even in US he was not like this. I would rather that he exploded and blamed me for leaving him a year. I would rather he told me that he was lonely and it hurt and he had to devise ways to come over that. Now instead he just doesn't say anything much. After all, why should he? There is only one function he requires of me. Except that he can get everything else outside. I am not a particularly fun companion either, so why choose me to spend time with? For him clearly I just complain and complain, that is all.

As for me, I feel tired without knowing why. I do not feel like doing anything. What happened to the playful me? Playful me is lost somewhere I think. Don't know where....

Same Life Anew

Tend to ignore how much I hate beginning of new jobs. In this period, you really do not know what you are doing, what you will be doing and who is who. Time passes slower. You talk to random strangers whom you will never see again without knowing better. You do things which you will never again do.

This part of life becomes even worse when you do not know what you are supposed to learn. For colleagues before you, it is all out there. There it is, really. But for you as the newcomer, nothing is clear.

In my case, on top of all this, it is not clear what I should be doing, what are my tasks, where do I fit in?

Being here gives me a perspective of what people management is and what project management is; and how they can very well be mutually exclusive.

I really can not wait to go home at this point of time. It is 5PM and I woke up early thinking I would fetch some people, waited around for them to call half an hour in the morning, essentially making it to work at 9:15. Waking up at 7:30.

I miss my old job, where things were clear. The code base was in front of me, the build tools were in front of me, we had a wiki about anything and everything and I actually had a manager. Maybe this is what happens when one becomes a manager. Then one does not have in reality a manager. But we still had scrums, 1&1s, and weekly group reports to monitor situation and make everyone aware of what is going on. Here I have seen absolutely nothing. No plan, no task assignments, no schedules, absolutely nothing except some executive level docs.

For a person who is as non-dynamic as me in these beginner situations, staying at the same place would be the sane thing to do. Or just to become this person who does not care all that much until responsibility strikes (like one of my ex-managers). However, I do neither and just get bored.

Wonder if it was like this in the first days of my previous job in Dubai. Did I get bored as much? Hmm... Ok I have some docs and flows. However, these are all high level. There is no architectural doc here about the components. It feels all upside down after my previous job.

K. is gone for a trip and feels like I have nothing to do. In fact ever since I quit my previous job, I seem to not to have purpose. I do not even feel like I enjoy or not enjoy, it is more like long periods of being indifferent, followed by short bursts of seeing K and trying to get my mind around of what building a life together entailed.

5:18PM. Yes, just want to go home.