Stockholm

I looked at many photos of Stockholm today, trying to choose a desktop background.
And naturally there are many snowy pictures of Stockholm out there. And I remembered that there were great times. I actually felt like being there.
I hate snow normally, or rather cold, or rather the inconvenience.
But there are just moments, after the snow has fallen heavily and covered the whole place. A silence descends. The white being so easy on the eyes, it is one of the most peaceful things in life to walk in such moments.
Especially in Stockholm. There is probably no other city as beautiful. My memories of Stockholm under the snow is surprisingly scarce. One doesn't want to go out then. And it is usually dark when one has free time. And I focus my attention usually on not sliding. But I know.
Snow adds a further serenity to Stockholm. Like a wedding gown. And you know then where all the tales you read as a child should have taken place.
My fondest memory of winter in Stockholm should be the day I walked on water. Just by Kungsholmen, where my home was. I was pretty sure I could walk to the other side to Langsholmen or Sodermalm.
It is fantastic how the brain can suppress memories until it will suddenly pop them back. And how much a person can live and see.
Would be nice now.. To sit in a cafe in Gamla Stan. Having a latte. Looking at all the good-looking people and tourists.

small things

I do not want to write to you. I am afraid you will get tired of hearing it. But I miss you miss you miss you.

I try. I try to ignore it. I try not to act immature and do something silly. But we are all human. And there are 24 hours in a day and then there are weekends. There is an empty bed I go to every night. There are walks to work, consumed by physical pain that you are missing. You are missing both inside me and outside me. And everything is purposeless, and I am getting empty. Day by day I get more lost.

The world has been on my firgertips. I found the love of my life. The single person that I love to pieces who also accepts me with my untidiness, my postponing tasks, my softness. Yes I have it all. And yet it just feels empty. I try to keep a face. People will see me smile, make promises, set long hours to work, be friendly. Try I do. But that does not change the fact. The fact sits inside me. And eats me up.

I am almost 32. I still do not know what to do. How to feel. On one side there is a clear message: here is the agenda. work, career, money. On the other side there is the youthful message. Be what you are, do what you want while you can.

In the end, I take a look at my ring and I take a look at the mirror. And I try to hold on. But for what?