At last I am out of the gaming days. What I see is that I am inclined to addiction, whatever the cause of the addiction might be. I drink from the cup until I am full and more and then will never want to see that cup again. I overdo things.
But it is not just that. I have been lazy simply. I could not get into that panic mode. I do feel shaky, literally shaky. This is true. However, it almost feels like there is nothing I can do. So I do not do anything.
It is complicated and I am only today facing this.
On one hand, what I feel is that I am at the very end of a long long long run, my whole life I have been running, have been running to meet this line specifically and I feel, "yeah, I have come so far, I managed" and this is enough somehow. So I stop running before crossing the line. The line has lost its importance along the way. But why? There was a reason that I wanted to cross that line. Because I wanted to be a runner. All my life I wanted to run on this very platform. And I am actually about to be eliminated. I should continue and cross the line.
On the other hand, I feel quite stupid. I have worked quite a bit in the last two months. The last 2 weeks have been a disaster though. I did not do anything. But I did put an extraordinary effort before. But still I can not solve things. I am afraid. When I see a new problem I feel "I will never be able to solve this". So I feel like giving up, every step of the way. Therefore, whatever the panic necessities are, I suppress them and do nothing.
I have 4 days left. Not even that much.
Why why am I like this? There should be an evolutionary, genetic bla bla explanation about this. It can not be just me. Soon it will all be over.
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