working mode

At last I am out of the gaming days. What I see is that I am inclined to addiction, whatever the cause of the addiction might be. I drink from the cup until I am full and more and then will never want to see that cup again. I overdo things.

But it is not just that. I have been lazy simply. I could not get into that panic mode. I do feel shaky, literally shaky. This is true. However, it almost feels like there is nothing I can do. So I do not do anything.

It is complicated and I am only today facing this.

On one hand, what I feel is that I am at the very end of a long long long run, my whole life I have been running, have been running to meet this line specifically and I feel, "yeah, I have come so far, I managed" and this is enough somehow. So I stop running before crossing the line. The line has lost its importance along the way. But why? There was a reason that I wanted to cross that line. Because I wanted to be a runner. All my life I wanted to run on this very platform. And I am actually about to be eliminated. I should continue and cross the line.

On the other hand, I feel quite stupid. I have worked quite a bit in the last two months. The last 2 weeks have been a disaster though. I did not do anything. But I did put an extraordinary effort before. But still I can not solve things. I am afraid. When I see a new problem I feel "I will never be able to solve this". So I feel like giving up, every step of the way. Therefore, whatever the panic necessities are, I suppress them and do nothing.

I have 4 days left. Not even that much.

Why why am I like this? There should be an evolutionary, genetic bla bla explanation about this. It can not be just me. Soon it will all be over.

Metaphore

Homer says that Delusion is a goddess with sensitivity - with sensitive feet anyway!- in the lines,
"Her feet are so sensitive that she steps over men's heads rather than lighting upon the ground"

Plato - Symposium

Goals

I am trying for a more professional life with having some goals each day and trying to accomplish them. Today was like this:

• Understand the major elements of the course material DONE
• Hand in documents to HR DONE
• Hand in modified course outline DONE
• Hand in QM installation prerequisites DONE
• Hand in QM installation milestones NOT DONE
• Cook DONE (very successfully)
• Go to office and pick up mail NOT DONE
• Do sports NOT DONE

5-3 I beat for my first day.

the Love Inside

really it is just a matter of being mortal. so many things we want to do, so many things we want to be. yet life has a limited many moments to be those things.

i guess this is how it has to be. tip top toe. everything has to be worked for.

tip is the reading. Nejib Mahfuz transfers me to late 19th century(?) Egypt, with its changing face, its efforts of independence from the British, its women who look at life from behind house windows.

top is the massive amount of jobs that I am joggling in my mind. Currently I have 4 jobs. Everyone is independent of the other.

toe is the literal toe. a woman's all end need caring: i need manicure, pedicure, facial and some other stuff to be done while I have "time".

yet what do I do? spend my time trying to decide what I should be doing.

Once upon a time in the bank

I am sitting in the bank. From the way things are you would think I am having a baby. Yet I am very much
NOT having a baby. Documents in documents out.
Thinking of Adaptation. Why did the successful writer with the proper husband start sleeping with the
orchid hunter? I guess that is where part of the meaning of life lies.
Movie script idea: A new substance is found. These types of substances should have a medical name but
I cannot come up with it. This new substance is like LSD. It enchances the "effects" of human perception.
But does not produce any damage to the human body. Just changes the way people think/feel/focus/perceive.
Would it still be banned? Would people refuse to take it as it is "opium"? Really what is reality if the
way we perceive things may change? (I know there are still logical statements, a list of propositions that
are either true or false, the knowledge banks remain. Yet, what if suffering out of at least boredom or
hunger can be decreased. What does it all mean then?)
I suspect that I am sunstruck. Not because of all this stuff that I am coming up with in the middle of
middleware testing. My brain seriously hurts and I am scared to get out on the street again to get the car.

Life in the limelight

Lucida grande is its...

Life is very complicated. I have a few jobs in the pipeline. Yet none of them are working out for me. At the same time all of them are great. On top of this, I have problems getting out of my current job.

I do not know what I want. Seriously. Life seems never to be simple.

Today I was at an interview in the university. Funny how I am called in long long after I banged on their doors for months and months. They need someone to start teaching a course in 10 days. I sensed a clear desperation. And the HR lady was so happy to have someone with husband's visa. Ah how degrading all these are for education.

I suppose I was not selected or else I would have heard from them. No problems. This is all fine. The only thing is I have wasted around an hour. It is ok.

J is dating someone else! I think she is German! I can not believe that he has left the woman that he "invested" so much in.

So it required a german to forget the investments, turk was not enough.

I can say it loud and simple: "He does not know what he has missed. "

Uzuldum tabi. Uzulmez olur muyum? Daha ama ne uzuntuler bekliyor yanibasimda. Cok daha kotusu olabilirdi. Ve de olacak nasil olsa.

I have given a constructive decision I will channel my frustration to exercise. I will think about all the stuff that is building in me while I exercise to bring out some extra energy. As I am one of the people that frustrates the most on things, there should never be a lack of extra energy.

Now the weekend getaway is over and I feel that I am back to all problems, which I suck at solving = Frustration