dreams

I don't want to abuse this place and write all kinds of junk just because I am bored. But I just can not help this one.

I had a late night. Still halfway in mutithreading, and half dizzy, plus very thirsty.

I had dreams, a lot of them. But one I remember clearly. Disturbing how some people so strongly symbolize certain feelings for me. How many years it has been, and I still dream of particular people once -twice a year to express the same feelings coming from the subconscious.

Seems sometimes dreams tire us. They are just too much to take. Too much excitement, too much expectation...

demanding

Not that I am sorry for myself.

Yet I feel that life is demanding. Demanding for those who have the luxury of time and possession I guess.

Yet there it is. I look at myself, and I feel this huge body of demands pressing on me.

1. To be good-looking in every way possible. To be thin, with good skin.
2. To dress well and for occasion and to be sexy when it be and proper when in public and with style and all
3. The above to is nothing compared to... I was supposed to be a great theoretician, know all logic and all kinds of verification methods and proof tools
4. I am supposed to know all kinds of security things as I have certificates and I should have a career in something
5. I am supposed to know something about mobile phone security, after all I did a ph.d on that (or did I?)
6. And then I should know all about telecomm stuff, about PBXs, about agent applications and SS7 and SIP and RTP. I should definitely know ALL about Genesys. And some about Avaya at least.
7. AND I should know ALL ALL about programming languages, at least everything on Java and C++ (albeit I never had the time to really work on them to do a real industry type application) . Remember all types of algorithms, and data structures. Be expert on computer architecture and multithreading and databases.
   
8. At the same time, I should be able to do web stuff in the blink of an eye be it JSP, PHP, Ajax.. Throw in there some .NET stuff as well.

(Note that I did not put in anything about being social, doing sports etc. Tired of even writing on these.)

Thing is we as scholar people should be open-minded, good at learning and maintaining our minds in top shape; however, all I see is that my life is toiled away working at all kinds of times and not feeling at ease. Ever. What have I done seriously to deserve this?

The real problem I see in life is not doing things. But knowing what one should be doing at a particular time.

ordan burdan gelismelerlerle karsinizdayiz

Bugunlerden birinde dogmus oldugunu saniyorum. 11 Agustos olabilir. Anmis olduk onu da boylece.

Okumak istiyorum. Baskalarinin hayatlarinda unutmak istiyorum kendiminkini. Bir zamanlar super bir alinti sayfasi bulmustum. Hatta orada alinti yapabilmek icin yanip tutusmaktaydim. O sayfa kayboldu ortadan. Ariyorum ariyorum yok. Ya google yedi facebook alintilari icinde kayboldu, ya da zaman yedi, sayfayi yonetemediler. O zamanlar ne blog vardi, ne facebook. Genctik, guzeldik.

Simdi bakiyorum. Hicbir sey cozum gelmiyor. Hani sunu yapmayi ozledim desem, o da yok. Kendim olmayi ozluyorum tabi. Icmeye gittigimiz aksamlari ozluyorum. Bir noktada hep onemli hissederdim, bir yerlere ait hissederdim. Aitligi ozledigimi de iddia edemeyecegim. Su evde otururken. Anlamsiz bir yaklasim olur.

Saatleri ayarlamaya baslayacagim yakinda. Anlamsiz bir ay gecirip yoruldum. Anlamsiz.

Recollection

He said:
- My roommate is gone. Would you come with me, to my room, pleaaase?

I probably said yes. Just yes.

We slowly approached the room, did not meet anyone on the way.

I walked in. The room looked bare. I thought maybe the only clothes he had brought were the ones on him. The room was bare. The two beds on top of each other, the wardrobe, the table. The table was bare, except for a perfume bottle, Jean Paul Gaultier, in the shape of a human without head, arms and legs. I did not look out the window, I think.

And then we lay at the bottom bed. As much as we could fit. We kissed perhaps. Kissing had not worked for us somehow. (I should have understood the implications of this but I did not. ) And then we lied there.

Frustratingly, we talked. He held me and we talked. His choice of subjects. Sex, house pets, our future life together.

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