Masumiyet Muzesi

"Ona asik olabilir miydim? Derin bir mutluluk hissediyor ve endiseleniyordum. Bu mutlulugu ciddiye almanin tehlikeleriyle hafife almanin bayagiligi arasinda ruhumun sIkIsabilecegini, kafamin karisikligindan cikariyordum."

"Fusun'un aslinda en cok ilgi duydugu sey, ne benim govdem ne de genel olarak erkek vucuduydu. Asil merak ve heyecani kendisine, kendi govdesine ve hazlarina yonelikti.  "

"Fusun'un agzinin pudra sekeri tadinin, cignedigi Zambo marka citletten geldigini zannediyordum. Artik Fusin ile opusmek, ilk bulusmalarimizdaki gibi yalnizca birbirimizi sInamak, karsilikli duydugumuz cekimi ifade etmek icin yaptigimiz kiskirtici bir hareket degil, kendi zevkimiz icin yaptigimiz ve yaptikca da, ne oldugunu ikimizin de hayretle kesfettigi bir seydi. " 

"Cok mutluydum. Ama bu, aklimin olcerek anladigi bir mutluluk degil, tenimin yasayarak tanidigi ve daha sonra siradan hayatin icinde, bir telefon acarken ensemde, acele acele merdivenleri cikarken kuyruk sokumumda hissederek hatirladigim bir seydi. " 

Episode 5

We could meet. 

Perhaps it would really be possible even to be ourselves when we meet... 

in İstanbul. 

The weather would be slightly grey. Slightly undecided. Reflecting the mood of everyone. 

But I would be waiting there with the knowledge that 

there are entire moments of irresponsible pleasure, 

entire moments of total all engulfing pleasure, 

either to "go to" or to "hide from". 

And is it really possible to deny this possibility? 

Once you know, it feels like you always do know deep inside. 

I would be standing there under the small sky filled with a big burden, 

a small girl sank deep in a large question.
Some days it is like this. One remembers who one is. 

Standing there I can see myself in my tights, red coat; 

cold with the possibility and burning with the impossibilities of being myself.

The problem of the 21st century is really that there is no one else to blame. 

Otherwise still I would have opted in blaming you. 

Even at that very first second that our eyes greet. And I nod and smile. Friendly, casual. I know that it is a 'go', the tape will roll. I want to blame you. But I know also that I am the champion (even if maybe not alone) of this show. 

And you hold my hand. It is a strange feeling.

We don't look at each other anymore. Holding hands in Istanbul is a practical necessity, it is plainly to keep together in the massive crowd. Anyway, I don't know where we are going. 

We end up at a bar. By the Bosphorus. It is not why I dreamed of. It is grey and depressing, 

and the sea is a darker blue-grey. 

It feels like my youth is long long ago.

We sit side by side, our back to everyone, directly looking out. 

This is my wish. Feels strange to look into your eyes. I know too well, that it is much better, to be 2 strangers.     

There are beers. There is conversation. Nothing deep. If fact everything is as shallow as can be. 

There is quick passing of subjects, there is laughter, there is warm up. 

At first I am acting, practicing the role of this girl which is fun, easy for a laugh but not easy herself. This has always felt like a role to me. But slowly it will grow on me. 

And slowly the night sets. The clouds disperse and the night is clear and the scenery is dark blue in black, and the lights are swarowski stones. 

We slowly get into it. I embody my role now. The conversation flows both deep and sweetly slow. Like turning over whisky in the mouth. 

We get synched. This is the one danger zone. The one that is hardest to escape