cok stresliyim.
ne yapiyorum? oje suruyorum. hatta french yapiyorum.
Monday, December 8, 2008
my inners have darkened
In turkish, god I just love my language, we say when we feel burdened and worried and feel that the world is closing on upon us, we say "my inners have darkened". The opposite expression is also used "my inside has opened/lightened"
If I should say anything for the last month in which he was away and I was living through a November without him in Stockholm, it would be my inners have darkened. Or as I can put it very much less poetically in English, I have been feeling restless. It is rather strange. I thought this feeling of being guilty of not doing enough would disappear once I finished my ph.d. Yet it does not seem to be related to it. It may well be my negative side, maybe I just see all that I could not have done rather than things done and left behind. Too much babble for a simple fact. I haven't been feeling content.
It is also very strange but most autumns that I have been here I remember simply as a darkness. In the foreground, in the background, all memories have a dominating darkness in it. And then my insides lighten when I have some real summer light somewhere. Therefore, it is simply impossible to remember Italy fondly.
Back to the subject, we all need summer light here in Sweden. But fortunately as Sweden gets ready for real winter, I am traveling to summer. Or rather winter as summer.
If I should say anything for the last month in which he was away and I was living through a November without him in Stockholm, it would be my inners have darkened. Or as I can put it very much less poetically in English, I have been feeling restless. It is rather strange. I thought this feeling of being guilty of not doing enough would disappear once I finished my ph.d. Yet it does not seem to be related to it. It may well be my negative side, maybe I just see all that I could not have done rather than things done and left behind. Too much babble for a simple fact. I haven't been feeling content.
It is also very strange but most autumns that I have been here I remember simply as a darkness. In the foreground, in the background, all memories have a dominating darkness in it. And then my insides lighten when I have some real summer light somewhere. Therefore, it is simply impossible to remember Italy fondly.
Back to the subject, we all need summer light here in Sweden. But fortunately as Sweden gets ready for real winter, I am traveling to summer. Or rather winter as summer.
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