Breaking Apart

It is so easy, so scarily easy in fact.

You get stuck somewhere. You go at it again and again, you just can not get over it, but neither of you gives in either. It just happens.

I don't want to continue complaining. I do not want to push him away at all. But I am tired of this "women are like that, we don't understand" talk. What is not to understand? To say a few nice things, to reassure, to show a bit more care; why are these so hard? Why is it so much easier to complain of women complaining rather than just being a bit more "loving"?

Now I am at a loss because before he understood when I told him. And he became a bit more closer to me and everything felt fine afterwards. Since I came back it feels like he does not care, or does not want to work on it. Maybe he is too stressed at work so all his life effort is spent there or I am too much work myself, since I am unhappy about every single thing since I came back and have confronted him too many times; or or or "we" has become an old and uninteresting issue which nobody wants to work on.

What would I say if I went to a psychologist?

I feel insecure ever since I came back. I came back to be with the people that I love. And it feels like he does not need me, or my love. And since I do not feel needed at work either, I find everything uninteresting. I have this growing feeling inside that I do not have a place, a space. I am not useful to anyone.

It was not like this before. He was not like this. Even in US he was not like this. I would rather that he exploded and blamed me for leaving him a year. I would rather he told me that he was lonely and it hurt and he had to devise ways to come over that. Now instead he just doesn't say anything much. After all, why should he? There is only one function he requires of me. Except that he can get everything else outside. I am not a particularly fun companion either, so why choose me to spend time with? For him clearly I just complain and complain, that is all.

As for me, I feel tired without knowing why. I do not feel like doing anything. What happened to the playful me? Playful me is lost somewhere I think. Don't know where....

Same Life Anew

Tend to ignore how much I hate beginning of new jobs. In this period, you really do not know what you are doing, what you will be doing and who is who. Time passes slower. You talk to random strangers whom you will never see again without knowing better. You do things which you will never again do.

This part of life becomes even worse when you do not know what you are supposed to learn. For colleagues before you, it is all out there. There it is, really. But for you as the newcomer, nothing is clear.

In my case, on top of all this, it is not clear what I should be doing, what are my tasks, where do I fit in?

Being here gives me a perspective of what people management is and what project management is; and how they can very well be mutually exclusive.

I really can not wait to go home at this point of time. It is 5PM and I woke up early thinking I would fetch some people, waited around for them to call half an hour in the morning, essentially making it to work at 9:15. Waking up at 7:30.

I miss my old job, where things were clear. The code base was in front of me, the build tools were in front of me, we had a wiki about anything and everything and I actually had a manager. Maybe this is what happens when one becomes a manager. Then one does not have in reality a manager. But we still had scrums, 1&1s, and weekly group reports to monitor situation and make everyone aware of what is going on. Here I have seen absolutely nothing. No plan, no task assignments, no schedules, absolutely nothing except some executive level docs.

For a person who is as non-dynamic as me in these beginner situations, staying at the same place would be the sane thing to do. Or just to become this person who does not care all that much until responsibility strikes (like one of my ex-managers). However, I do neither and just get bored.

Wonder if it was like this in the first days of my previous job in Dubai. Did I get bored as much? Hmm... Ok I have some docs and flows. However, these are all high level. There is no architectural doc here about the components. It feels all upside down after my previous job.

K. is gone for a trip and feels like I have nothing to do. In fact ever since I quit my previous job, I seem to not to have purpose. I do not even feel like I enjoy or not enjoy, it is more like long periods of being indifferent, followed by short bursts of seeing K and trying to get my mind around of what building a life together entailed.

5:18PM. Yes, just want to go home.

Donmek

Bu duygu fazlaligi cok yoruyor beni. Tekrar asik olmus gibi. Belki daha da fazlasi. Olmak istedigim seyi tekrar hatirlamak gibi. Hatirlamak gibi evimin oldugunu.

SIkIntI

Yuregimin ustunde bir sIkIntI var bu bir kac gundur. Bilemedim sebebini. Gorusmem olmasi mi acaba? Kendimi begenemem, Karl'a hazir hissetmemem mi? Com para harcadim son zamanlarda diye mi? Gidecegim, onun bir suru isi var diye mi? Bebek meselesi mi?

Bilemedim.

Oysa bir haftaya kadar Karl gelecek diye nasil da mutluydum. Simdi pek oyle hissetmiyorum.

Ezginin Gunlugu - Ellerimiz

Derya içinde gül biter mi, yanar tutuşur mavi
Beyhude esme deli rüzgâr, çözdüm ben yelkenimi
Aşk unutmaz dönmeyeni
Eyvah, yakıp yıkıp gideni
Yar tennenni yar tennenni, dönmeyeni

Gel gör, içimde gül kuruttum, solup gidecek rengi
Bir düş yeterdi nice gördüm, yaktım ben cennetimi
Aşk unutmaz dönmeyeni
Eyvah, yakıp yıkıp gideni
Yar tennenni yar tennenni, dönmeyeni

Kaç bahar geçti, kaç gönül yıktık biz
Hangi ırmakta yıkansın ellerimiz
Yar tennenni yar tennenni, ellerimiz.

[ kaynak: http://sarki.alternatifim.com/goster.asp?ac=20413 ]

Clinging to dreams

We all live clinging to dreams.

I had once asked my boss about the Pakistani workers in Dubai. They were working for what... 200$ a month? How could they do it? How come all of them did not throw themselves in front of a car and get the blood money so at least their family could live in a comfort which they would never be able to provide themselves? And my boss had told me that there is always the chance of winning the lottery the next day.

I thought that was ridiculous then. But now I realize. I am no different from them. We are all like that. We all cling to dreams and live for those dreams. That is why by the way, the idea of a heaven is very hard for humans. Especially when most of the time, we just want the things we can not get.

For the last couple of years, my dream has been having the perfect man. That's what has been important. The sole dream. Attributing him all the good qualities and watching him get better and better every day. He has been my growing, developing dream.

But I see that this is wrong. It is also wrong to see a child as a dream. I should choose something else. ASAP.

test 1 2 from phone

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