early inspirations

My interest in philosophy, in interpreting and structuring life in a theory can be attributed to one young woman.

The beautiful, quiet, extremely clever young woman that was such a woman even at that time that she refused to run. Literally. She would just move a little faster to catch the ball. She would not run. She already knew how she looked from all angles, at a time when we were just beginning to get to understand the need for a mirror.

She was not into philosophy as philosophy. Although she did read Simone De Beauvoir meticulously, she would not read any cold, detached reasoning.

What was she into then? At the time she was into people. They entertained her not in their relationship to her but as people. Subjects to observe, subjects to see. She was not into generalizing people. She was into generalizing persons, one by one.

Now I am trying to see and I think she has gotten into philosophy as a lifestyle, which is not philosophy at all. And she is the first person that I respect for that. Because I know how she believes, how she thinks and can guess how she still graciously moves at every step.

From where I left

I start again...

I should, for my own sanity.

Bukowski

don't come round but if you do ...

yeah sure, I'll be in unless I'm out
don't knock if the lights are out
or you hear voices or then
I might be reading Proust
if someone slips Proust under my door
or one of his bones for my stew,
and I can't loan money or
the phone
or what's left of my car
thought you can have yesterday's newspaper
an old shirt or a bologna sandwich
or sleep on the couch
if you don't scream at night
and you can talk about yourself
that's only normal;
hard times are upon us all
only I am not trying to raise a family
to send through Harvard
or buy hunting land,
I am not aiming high
I am only trying to keep myself alive
just a little longer,
so if you sometimes knock
and I don't answer
and there isn't a woman in here
maybe I have broken my jaw
and am looking for wire
or I am chasing the butterflies in
my wallpaper,
I mean if I don't answer
I don't answer, and the reason is
that I am not yet ready to kill you
or love you, or even accept you,
it means I don't want to talk
I am busy, I am mad, I am glad
or maybe I'm stringing up a rope;
so even if the lights are on
and you hear sound
like breathing or praying or singing
a radio or the roll of dice
or typing -
go away, it is not the day
the night, the hour;
it is not the ignorance of impoliteness,
I wish to hurt nothing, not even a bug
but sometimes I gather evidence of a kind
that takes some sorting,
and your blue eyes, be they blue
and your hair, if you have some
or your mind - they cannot enter
until the rope is cut or knotted
or until I have shaven into
new mirrors, until the world is
stopped or opened
forever.

i dont miss you anymore

I had this project of compiling the songs that belonged to all the guys that I fell for. I even have a list written on the subject, but I think it is sitting in Ankara, at my parents place.

Now I will attempt this again. Though I do not know if I want the whole world to know. Realistically I will not remember many, as many of these guys are blurred for me now. And I can take it out whenever I feel like it. Besides it suits my current programming activities.. you know, the boredom and all.

B: Hasret - Munir Nurettin
Love - (some song that was popular at the time, sung by a sweet girl)

J: I dont miss you anymore - Lisa Ekdahl
Volcano - Damien Rice
Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice

U: Elbette - Canan Ercetin

A: English Summer Rain (dont know why dont know who, but good song)

Yes, I will update it in the future

bazi seyler sonsuza kaar burnumda tutecek herhalde. 80 yasina gelsem de bolumu sevgiyle hatirlayacagim.

My eyes hurt. Waiting for him to come back from Dubai, originally from Saudi. I did my daily crying quite early today, therefore it was a relatively calm day.

As the day is closing to an end, I have come so far as to learn classes of fire extinguishers in the US.

soul status

i came home with a bag of cigarettes and chips. that should say it all.