experiencing the foreign

I took a quick look at pelin's blog. I can understand her excitement about moving. Though I can not sympathize with her. I think it is partially because for me it feels like I have returned home, to the Middle East and partially because I am a girl that is trying to make it in a foreign land, in the real world where I am absolutely unconnected.

Being back in the Middle East feels good though. It is being back in a world where people actually smile, where things are more chaotic, more relaxed and harder at the same time. A world under the sun and fortunately for me beside the sea.

To all the pleasures that I can easily reach here (sports, fresh air, turquoise water, cheap and good ME food) is added the new and horrifying feelings of being both useless and totally aimless.

i am thankful for

• all the pretty boys that passed through my life
• the amazing people that i experienced new levels of existence with
• the travels that i have gone through

I have finally found my sin: pride

sadece...

yazamiyorum. yoksa ne yogunum, ne heyecanliyim, ne de downright mutsuzum.
tamam, umutsuzum.

cok stresliyim.
ne yapiyorum? oje suruyorum. hatta french yapiyorum.

my inners have darkened

In turkish, god I just love my language, we say when we feel burdened and worried and feel that the world is closing on upon us, we say "my inners have darkened". The opposite expression is also used "my inside has opened/lightened"

If I should say anything for the last month in which he was away and I was living through a November without him in Stockholm, it would be my inners have darkened. Or as I can put it very much less poetically in English, I have been feeling restless. It is rather strange. I thought this feeling of being guilty of not doing enough would disappear once I finished my ph.d. Yet it does not seem to be related to it. It may well be my negative side, maybe I just see all that I could not have done rather than things done and left behind. Too much babble for a simple fact. I haven't been feeling content.

It is also very strange but most autumns that I have been here I remember simply as a darkness. In the foreground, in the background, all memories have a dominating darkness in it. And then my insides lighten when I have some real summer light somewhere. Therefore, it is simply impossible to remember Italy fondly.

Back to the subject, we all need summer light here in Sweden. But fortunately as Sweden gets ready for real winter, I am traveling to summer. Or rather winter as summer.

Safiye Ayla Bursa öğretmen okulundanmış. Babannem Konya öğretmen okulundandır. Başka bir Konyaymış sanırım o Konya. Ve bilimum lise öğretmenim öğretmen okulundandı. Biz şanslıydık yine. Sonrası Asiyenin kayıp kukla kuşağına kaldı.

bilmezsin

fasıl gibi bildik şarkılardan oluşuyor bir kere de olsa hayat
Bolca hüzün gözler dalarak acıtmadan söylenir ya
ince ipince hissedersin
sade söz, sade nota

Sen ne bilir ne anlarsın o anı
Ama ardından yatakta oturur bir asyalı
ve hisseder avcunda yıllarca önce kaybedilmiş bir sıcaklığı

diye yazmisim bir kac ay önce. gercekten yapmaya en deger sey yazmak.