Sometimes I feel like I am carrying a very big load on my shoulders. Very very large. (larger than my butt even ;)

I see now that this is not directly related to my life situation either. Of course, some elements do have an affect on mood. But this is not it. This is outright depression. I don't think that it would have been possible to identify this "condition" if it was not already labeled. I don't think this type of mood swing, which is still subtle, can be identified by the person herself. But now that we do know of this, I can only attribute my temporary condition as depression.

Now that I have self diagnosed, I need to work on ways of relief for myself (thinking of the sanity of others around me).

• The only way I am aware about, I have to admit, is exercise. As per wiki however:

Clinical trials involving subjects with major depressive disorder suggest a modest short-term improvement in mood from exercise. Several studies have shown that exercise is equally effective as medication and more effective than a placebo, though medication provides more immediate relief from severe depression.^[99][100] The evidence for any long-term improvement in major depression is poor

The other major problem with exercise is that when one is already depressed, one finds it infinitely hard to actually do it. 

 

• Another interesting point that I have come across is the following:

 Stopping smoking cigarettes is associated with reduced depression and anxiety, with the effect "equal or larger than" those of antidepressant treatments

• From the layman of internet comes another interesting suggestion. I may actually use this one:

It might help to do something, anything, that will get you outside of yourself and your self-defeating thoughts, such as household projects, art projects, low-key socializing. 

Tastybrains, I'd been fighting low-grade depression for eighteen months, and have only recently gotten past it. How? I hit upon some sort of purpose. That is, I found something I loved to do, set some goals, and have now focused my life around this activity. It has worked wonders. It's amazing. 

With this argumentation, I will buy a PS4.

Episode 2

It went on for a very long time. He was pretty much done when I came to. He dozed instantly, I had a beer and read some:

http://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/i-sing-body-electric

Interesting Article on MultiTasking under Stress

http://scienceblogs.com/cognitivedaily/2007/07/25/multitasking-and-stress-what-h/



There is considerable evidence that cognitive performance changes when we are under stress. For example, women tend to perform worse on math tests than men when they are specifically told the test is designed to detect gender differences. Asian women perform worse on math tests when the opposite occurs, and the stereotype that Asians are better than others at math is invoked prior to the test.
Other studies have explored more generic reactions to stress and found that in many cases test-takers use different problem-solving strategies when they are under more stress: typically the strategy used under stress is one which utilizes fewer cognitive resources. Apparently simply being in a stressful state consumes some cognitive resources, so the adaptation is to use a less demanding strategy — even if that strategy is slower or less effective.

Episode 1

As I took off my clothes one by one, I covered myself inch by inch. He worked: touched, kissed. I closed my eyes and thought about what to wear to work the next day, to book tickets for a travel next month, and the memories of the trip to Barcelona with a best friend whom I had not called for years.
The shield was quite complete though occasionally physical sensation penetrated it; it was not often.
He was there, I was not. I was nowhere.

Some time later, due to an unforeseen spurt of feelings under intoxication (but really even some time after _that_), I sat down to think about what I wanted. A luxury forgetten to working folk everywhere; whom has made the needs of their company/department/team their own needs. I was not particularly good at this. Not to give a wrong impression... I was thoroughly grateful that I had any choices in life at all, and recognized very well that only a possible 10 in 1M had more choices than me in life.

However, this did not make me any better at knowing what I wanted.

At this point, the problem was that I had everything and to come up with new things was quite difficult. On the other hand, I was not yet at a point to deny that I needed all this "everything" and deciding that I did not want things was also not particularly attractive as an option. I liked my good looking husband, the classy bags, the well located flat... and most important of all, my identity = my job. I needed these things, but wasn't sure how much. I was neither ready to find out. So a new path of spirituality would only scare me.

I lived like most, in between alive and dead. I did get angry to many things, politics at work, politics in nation. I got saddened mostly thinking (when appropriate examples came along) about those much less unfortunte in life than me. Most strongly I felt was 1) Fear, fear of loosing things as I realized that this was a climax point in life and things could not get "better" (or rather "more"). 2) The euphoria/fatigue I got after exercise. Otherwise, emptiness prevailed.

Really, what did I want? I wanted to feel... To feel loved I suppose. To feel human.

Ships in the Night

Now that your leave is over
Let's down our drinks and say goodnight
to this illusion


Bell-bottom Casanova
The silhouettes that pass us by


Are ships in the night
Ships in the night,
in the night, in the night 


When you alight, mein Lieber
Whether its Hamburg or New york
I'll still be sleeping


Look in your wallet all you'll find
A little note I've left behind
Oh, I hope you don't mind


We're Ships in the night
Ships in the night
Ships in the night,
in the night

Soluyorum zamaNini
Seninle Ben oluyorum

Adini hatirlamiyorum, yuzunun de birazini
Farketmiyor

Gozlerimin ucunda bir aci
Akcigerlerim buzusuyor

SEN...
Gercek bir siirden yaklasiyorsun
O 7 sarkidan birinde beliriveriyorsun

Kaybettigim her seye belki sende uzuluyorum
Buldugum her seye belki biraz da sende seviniyorum

Ellerim titriyor
Kipirdayamiyorum

Derin Nefesler

Kaygi demisti, doktor, yorar demisti. Yorulmayi bir tarafa birakalim, oturamiyorum yerimde. Cunku her sey kontrolden cikti. Her sey boslukta yuzuyor. Ve de yuregim surekli sIkIsIyor.

Sonbahar geldi sonunda. Hava iliman, kaymak gibi. Oyle deriz biz, kaymak gibi. Gunes tehdit unsuru degil artik. Ilimanligin gostergesi. Bu yuzden iceride olmak anlamsiz geliyor. Evet sadece bu yuzden.

Gecen gun yine parlak fikirlerimden biri geldi aklima. Biz bence, insanoglu, uygun degil bu fiziksel dunyaya. Ic dunyasi bu derece -fiziksel gerceklikten bu kadar kopma becerisiyle- gelismis bir varlik, bu dunyaya uygun degil. Beynimizin fiziksel bir varlik olmasi yetmiyor bizi fiziksel dunyaya bagli tutmaya. Beynin basarisi ve zayif noktasi ayni.

Belki bende de hafif bir bipolarlik vardir. Kim bilir. Yine kis depresyonu yasiyorum. Yine bir kis ve yine bir depresyon. Bir yerde bir sIkIntI var. Belki self-consciousness cok gelismis bende. Bir tur lanet gibi dusmuyor yakamdan. Bazen oturup dusunuyorum ciddi ciddi, nasil yasiyor insanlar. Baska birinin beyninde olmak bir sure. Baska sekilde gorebilmek hayati.

Derin nefesler aliyorum. Yerimde oturuyorum. Dayaniyorum. Her an yasamaya dayaniyorum.