Aglayarak uykuya dalanlar vardir, bir de onu bile yapamayanlar. Önemli olan mutsuzluklarimizi bosluga dönusturmemek, bir seyler yapmak. (Muthis bir hizda icilen) 3 sigara sonucu css olaylari hakkinda fikriyat edindim. Sonrasinda epey bir resim begenme ve estetik oynamalari sonucu imaj degisikligi yapmayi basardim blogumda. Tekrar meslegimi icra eder hissettim ayrica. Bir tek side bar icerigini biraz daha asagi almak kaldi.

carrying things around

I did not bring anything from sweden to here. save a bunch of dresses that i recently bought. some t-shirts and tops. ok looking stuff, most bought again recently. i did not carry anything of the past in a physical sense to UAE.

Save.. save a toy monkey that produces this weird monkey sound. K hates the sound. They are pair monkeys that we bought with my sister from AnkaMall a few years back. When I was sad for some reason last year I slept holding it a few nights. I liked having it next to me in bed when K was away. This is extraordinary considering my contempt for stuffed animals and other stuffed toys.
So I brought it here rather rationally. it is light and soft. Easy to tuck in a suitcase. Should also be symbolic of the fact that what I really want to take with me further is my sister and my husband.

But the moral of the story here is that it is really lightening to leave material things behind. I have to think hard to remember an object that I miss from my things back in Sthlm. Although I packed them into boxes and boxes and boxes. Now I listen to people talking about their stuff and look at them with disdain as I imagine their porslin statues and pots and beads and all other memoribilia. I have none here more or less and I am still happy. I still feel I am a neat box myself of memories, of the love of a large family, of so much care.

Maybe I am just satisfied now with whatever I have kept in my mind. I am used to leaving things and people behind. I have seen the uselessness of trying to hold on to people, let alone things. I only hold on to the feelings people evoked in me. Once upon a time. Objects seem to accentuate the bitterness of losing. That's perhaps a mechanism I have cooked up to strip myself away of them.

The only ambition I have right now, is to keep looking composed. A woman in control of the situation. Läget under kontroll as they would say in Swedish. The rest does not help.

A summary

At least it hasn't been a month. At least I skipped that embarressment. For I have enough of them in my life right now.

Today I learned for instance that I had a plane ticket to Sthlm on the 15th. So I missed my plane. What I was really supposed to do was to change the date for the flight to summer. Instead I just assumed that the ticket was for the end of the month and simply missed the chance to use it. Smart.

Another success story. Our car went to Dubai for registration. They gave us an old stupid car for the day. And what did I do? I left my new sports shoes in the car. Since I can not drive with them. And then our real car came and my shoes went to Dubai with the old stupid car. Congratulations to me.

So here I sit here. Reading David Walker's 2000 POPL paper and thinking that everything has already been done. That there isn't place in the scientific world for anyone except the geniuses and all others are just decor, scenery, background.

Yes I feel like confessing all my mistakes. All the instances that I ignored people for instance. All those times that I have been very very selfish under the surface. And I feel like confessing NOT in a romantisized manner like I sometimes feel like confessing to all the men I desire when I am drunk, but rather in a desperate, perhaps christian sort of way. I really want to "get rid of" my sins. I really want to make a new promise to myself.

Because really when was the last time I made a new years resolution. I have none. I have no such ambitions in life left as changing it seems. I can not write much more about this. Dead end.

Let us continue along the lines of the summary. I am waiting for the proffessort from Q to ring me and tell me I am useless really. I do not know what to tell him as I find it difficult to choose a problem. (see above)

Otherwise, just for the record, my real happy pastimes of the last month are driving. Just full concentration, and music. Then one does not have to think about divorcing parents or dying grandmothers or uselessness. And thanks to the world. It is warm and pleasant here.

And then daddy was here. Unbelivably, parents become harder by the year. Must be because they start losing it after a while. Some brain cells refuse to be replaced. Hence they become out of snych with the real world. But they do not realize it for a long while, until perhaps they are very old, perhaps they never do. So then the mapping changes. Instead of two parents with X many children, each children is with two parents, which they should all the more gently keep in line. Make sure they do not waste away whatever is left of their lives. A role that came to me quite suddenly. I am still trying to grow into it. Somehow. There must be a way.

Then my moments of pleasure. Watching bones. Identifying myself with the female nerdy scientist role once again. As severe a case as in Stargate SG1. Life really teaches you about you. That's good. At least there is someone left to do that.

Have I spilled enough of my mind here? I think so. And all the while it is still light, very light here.

experiencing the foreign

I took a quick look at pelin's blog. I can understand her excitement about moving. Though I can not sympathize with her. I think it is partially because for me it feels like I have returned home, to the Middle East and partially because I am a girl that is trying to make it in a foreign land, in the real world where I am absolutely unconnected.

Being back in the Middle East feels good though. It is being back in a world where people actually smile, where things are more chaotic, more relaxed and harder at the same time. A world under the sun and fortunately for me beside the sea.

To all the pleasures that I can easily reach here (sports, fresh air, turquoise water, cheap and good ME food) is added the new and horrifying feelings of being both useless and totally aimless.

i am thankful for

• all the pretty boys that passed through my life
• the amazing people that i experienced new levels of existence with
• the travels that i have gone through

I have finally found my sin: pride

sadece...

yazamiyorum. yoksa ne yogunum, ne heyecanliyim, ne de downright mutsuzum.
tamam, umutsuzum.