cok stresliyim.
ne yapiyorum? oje suruyorum. hatta french yapiyorum.

my inners have darkened

In turkish, god I just love my language, we say when we feel burdened and worried and feel that the world is closing on upon us, we say "my inners have darkened". The opposite expression is also used "my inside has opened/lightened"

If I should say anything for the last month in which he was away and I was living through a November without him in Stockholm, it would be my inners have darkened. Or as I can put it very much less poetically in English, I have been feeling restless. It is rather strange. I thought this feeling of being guilty of not doing enough would disappear once I finished my ph.d. Yet it does not seem to be related to it. It may well be my negative side, maybe I just see all that I could not have done rather than things done and left behind. Too much babble for a simple fact. I haven't been feeling content.

It is also very strange but most autumns that I have been here I remember simply as a darkness. In the foreground, in the background, all memories have a dominating darkness in it. And then my insides lighten when I have some real summer light somewhere. Therefore, it is simply impossible to remember Italy fondly.

Back to the subject, we all need summer light here in Sweden. But fortunately as Sweden gets ready for real winter, I am traveling to summer. Or rather winter as summer.

Safiye Ayla Bursa öğretmen okulundanmış. Babannem Konya öğretmen okulundandır. Başka bir Konyaymış sanırım o Konya. Ve bilimum lise öğretmenim öğretmen okulundandı. Biz şanslıydık yine. Sonrası Asiyenin kayıp kukla kuşağına kaldı.

bilmezsin

fasıl gibi bildik şarkılardan oluşuyor bir kere de olsa hayat
Bolca hüzün gözler dalarak acıtmadan söylenir ya
ince ipince hissedersin
sade söz, sade nota

Sen ne bilir ne anlarsın o anı
Ama ardından yatakta oturur bir asyalı
ve hisseder avcunda yıllarca önce kaybedilmiş bir sıcaklığı

diye yazmisim bir kac ay önce. gercekten yapmaya en deger sey yazmak.

In a world of harsh truths

Whatever happens it still bothers me. However hard I try to forget my white man's guilt, I get reminded of the fact that there are incredibly harsh truths in life, truths that ordinary humans (in my sense) can not really deal with. And on top of that is the undeniable fact that most other humans face these truths much more often than I do. And with all this knowledge, this big bag of tools, this love for everyone I still feel utterly unable to help the situation. This leaves me desperate, this crushes my soul. The single thing I can do is to try to protect my loved ones as dearly as I can, which means nothing in the big picture. Which, all in all, brings me to the level of every being with ambition, a will to survive and even to crush others. And even this makes me ask, "we are living at what cost?" , i.e. "is it worth it?"

Hissiyat Meselesi

Sanırım, umarım, insanlara hislerimiz kutusu sürekli dolup dolup boşalmaktadır. Aksi takdirde bu eksiklik/yalnızlık duygusu içinde geçecek zaman.

Japan

An amazing place